Recently I attended a wedding that made me catch feelings, as the hipsters would describe actually feeling STUFF. I've had some of these thoughts run through my mind more than once and I need to get them out! I'm sure some of these will make readers uncomfortable, think I'm oversharing/TMI but this blog is for me to grow and share my thoughts.
Brace yourself, grab a glass of wine, whatever you need to get comfortable....
Why do I, Ashleigh, want to lose weight? Well....
-....I want to feel good in clothes again
-....I don't want to stand out and shop at Lane Bryant exclusively
-....I want to feel good naked
-....I don't want my belly rubbing on my boyfriend during sex
-....I don't want my jeans to leave blazing red marks on my stomach...and stay there for hours even when I've removed my jeans
-....I want to be more confident during sex
-....I don't want to feel ackward during sex or think, "Gosh I can't do this position because of my FUPA"
-....I want to see my pubic area WITHOUT having to lift my FUPA
-....I want to be able to shave my privates without having to stratagize how to hold my rolls back and not cut
myself
-....I want to feel sexy with or without clothes on
-....I'm scared I won't be hired because of my weight
-....I want people to notice ME, not my weight/shape
-....I want to be "normal" looking in that my weight neither affects or defects the quality of my life
-....I want to see my nephews grow up, to be active in their lives for a long time
-....I don't want people to see me eating and think, "She shouldn't be eating that."
-....I want to walk in heels without thinking I'm going to roll an ankle because too much weight is being
carried on 4"
-....I want to travel and be physically able to endure my adventures
-....I want to be healthy for me, mentally and physically.
-....I want to MOVE ON from this constant issue
-....I want to experience the wonder that is MAINTAINING MY WEIGHT, and not being a yo-yo.
-....I don't want to experience chaffing caused by too tight of pants and no room to breathe
-....I want to wear a form fitting shirt and not wonder if everything is spilling out
-....I want to enjoy life to the fullest, and I can't do that when I'm unable to move past the mental road block
I've had for years.
-....I want to wear hot lingerie such as corsets, stockings, garter belts....that stuff is amazing and feminine
Yes a lot of these revolve around sex because I'm finally having sex after 5 years of waiting for the right guy. Despite having a fabulous, understanding man in my life that loves me, I still cannot move past the awful experiences I've endured. Never has my boyfriend made me feel inadequate sexually but
I have done so to myself by believing I have let him down by not being physically attractive enough. He has NEVER said that, and he constantly loves touching me and being affectionate. It is my own issues that cause this internal anxiety. I shall begin therapy once I have established a reliable income....till next time!
Ciaoses!
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
On Top, Bottom, and Everywhere Between
I can't believe it has been over a year since my last posting. Well actually I can because I haven't had much time to relax as I entered my final year of the hygiene program and graduated this past Spring. I am so relieved to be graduated and licensed. Tomorrow I have my very first day in a real office in San Jose. I'm temping for two days this week and next week, so I'm pretty excited to be paid for what I'm trained in!
Upon completing this crazy ride, my weight has flucuated greatly. Last year at this time I had lost a substantial amount of weight in the Fall by sticking with a very strict schedule of working out and packing my lunches for clinic days. In fact some clinic days were so nutty, I didn't get a chance to eat. However, I stuck with working out consistently and lost weight and inches. Many people noticed especially Jessica's sister who had seen me one time in the Spring, and returned in the fall to finish treatment only to be surprised by my weight loss. I think it was in the neighborhood of 20-25lbs, I'm not positive. I know my scrubs fitted well and I didn't feel disgusting anymore.
Then around the end of October, I had some really trying times in which my dad almost died, I got into a car accident, and then had to find a new place to live. Thank God everything worked out beautifully in all situations, but the heaviest part was almost losing my dad. The emotional roller coaster of his recovery, treatment, and eventual discharge was awful. This was the beginning of my fitness downfall as I focused on him, being emotionally stable for myself as well as helping my mom the best I do. I put myself on the back burner mentally and the weight started to creep up.
By the time the final semester was about to start, I could feel my scrubs getting snug and got back to business. However, the stress of studying and taking multiple licensing exams as well as finding the right patients to complete clinic requirements was exhausting. Despite having Fridays off from school, I never felt that I had a day of just nothing to do until the last week before graduation. Also adding to the mix of fun was the beginning of a romantic relationship with Enrique, my current boyfriend. He is so incredibly supportive, sweet, caring, and silly and I'm so thankful to God that he entered my life. Like most new couples, we went out to eat A LOT plus add in all the chemical/emotional upswings, and my weight went up up up. I went to the gym...once a week. I wanted to see him whenever possible, especially since he works overnight shifts.
When graduation rolled around, I hadn't accomplished my goal of losing weight at all. I did in fact gain weight and exceeded my former highest weight. By 10 pounds. I was devastated and I have had this internal conversation with myself that has been fairly healthy, not too self destructive. With my new RDH license in hand, I am now on the hunt to find the right office for me to be my dental home. And that meant the fear of rejection which triggered memories of failing when I graduated with my BA. I became obsessed with having the perfect resume and cover letter, and I became paralyzed with anxiety and fear. This did nothing for my waist line except expand it.
Which brings me to my current state of working very hard to follow Weight Watchers. Not once have I stopped my monthly membership and I have not followed WW for one month in a long time. Yesterday I started my "mental reboot" of accomplishing goals one at a time. For example, I didn't eat any pastries that were brought into the break room; they looked absolutely nasty. I didn't buy anything out of the vending machines. I was content with what I had. After work, I went to the gym and worked out very hard. I did the same thing today and feel great....and sleepy.
Bottom line is I can do this and the only deadline I'm giving myself is the end of the each day. Aim to finish strong by following healthy behaviors such as tracking and working out, and acknowledging when I'm sliding off the path a bit instead of ignoring it. I have had the same conversations for YEARS - I need to lose weight, PERIOD. No amount of magic shakes or pills will help me but determination and commitment to following WW will yield the results I crave. Plus my incredibly supportive boyfriend who gives me encouragement and positive words helps a lot :)
Starting Stats
- Weight: 274.4
- Height: 5'6.5"
- Size: 18/20, currently forcing myself into a size 16 jeans.
- Mental State: determined
Upon completing this crazy ride, my weight has flucuated greatly. Last year at this time I had lost a substantial amount of weight in the Fall by sticking with a very strict schedule of working out and packing my lunches for clinic days. In fact some clinic days were so nutty, I didn't get a chance to eat. However, I stuck with working out consistently and lost weight and inches. Many people noticed especially Jessica's sister who had seen me one time in the Spring, and returned in the fall to finish treatment only to be surprised by my weight loss. I think it was in the neighborhood of 20-25lbs, I'm not positive. I know my scrubs fitted well and I didn't feel disgusting anymore.
Then around the end of October, I had some really trying times in which my dad almost died, I got into a car accident, and then had to find a new place to live. Thank God everything worked out beautifully in all situations, but the heaviest part was almost losing my dad. The emotional roller coaster of his recovery, treatment, and eventual discharge was awful. This was the beginning of my fitness downfall as I focused on him, being emotionally stable for myself as well as helping my mom the best I do. I put myself on the back burner mentally and the weight started to creep up.
By the time the final semester was about to start, I could feel my scrubs getting snug and got back to business. However, the stress of studying and taking multiple licensing exams as well as finding the right patients to complete clinic requirements was exhausting. Despite having Fridays off from school, I never felt that I had a day of just nothing to do until the last week before graduation. Also adding to the mix of fun was the beginning of a romantic relationship with Enrique, my current boyfriend. He is so incredibly supportive, sweet, caring, and silly and I'm so thankful to God that he entered my life. Like most new couples, we went out to eat A LOT plus add in all the chemical/emotional upswings, and my weight went up up up. I went to the gym...once a week. I wanted to see him whenever possible, especially since he works overnight shifts.
When graduation rolled around, I hadn't accomplished my goal of losing weight at all. I did in fact gain weight and exceeded my former highest weight. By 10 pounds. I was devastated and I have had this internal conversation with myself that has been fairly healthy, not too self destructive. With my new RDH license in hand, I am now on the hunt to find the right office for me to be my dental home. And that meant the fear of rejection which triggered memories of failing when I graduated with my BA. I became obsessed with having the perfect resume and cover letter, and I became paralyzed with anxiety and fear. This did nothing for my waist line except expand it.
Which brings me to my current state of working very hard to follow Weight Watchers. Not once have I stopped my monthly membership and I have not followed WW for one month in a long time. Yesterday I started my "mental reboot" of accomplishing goals one at a time. For example, I didn't eat any pastries that were brought into the break room; they looked absolutely nasty. I didn't buy anything out of the vending machines. I was content with what I had. After work, I went to the gym and worked out very hard. I did the same thing today and feel great....and sleepy.
Bottom line is I can do this and the only deadline I'm giving myself is the end of the each day. Aim to finish strong by following healthy behaviors such as tracking and working out, and acknowledging when I'm sliding off the path a bit instead of ignoring it. I have had the same conversations for YEARS - I need to lose weight, PERIOD. No amount of magic shakes or pills will help me but determination and commitment to following WW will yield the results I crave. Plus my incredibly supportive boyfriend who gives me encouragement and positive words helps a lot :)
Starting Stats
- Weight: 274.4
- Height: 5'6.5"
- Size: 18/20, currently forcing myself into a size 16 jeans.
- Mental State: determined
Sunday, June 9, 2013
One Year till Graduation
Hello! For those still following this blog - sorry for the delay. School has taken up 99% of my life/time but that doesn't mean I don't have thoughts that I desire to discuss. This spring I was determined to be healthier and lose 30 lbs. I figured that I had moved out of my parents, I was able to control what I ate and when I ate it as well as get to the gym regularly. I did pretty well for about 6 weeks then it went to crap after spring break. It was the exact same point in time in the fall semester that the stress of midterms overwhelmed my life and I didn't care what I ate or if I made it to the gym. I had stopped drinking my Shakeology breakfast that I had been doing and eating random items or not at all until the end of the day. Really unhealthy behaviors overall.
So here I am, contemplating what can I do each semester, each day, each hour regarding my food choices. I look at my daily choices and they are not good - eating croissants, pizza, Mexican food, etc without a care. In fact, I have a whole bag of Shakeology I haven't touched! That is terrible since that mix is not cheap. Also I can't remember the last time I weighed myself nonetheless tracked. What's tracking?!?!?! I couldn't even tell you how many points a food has. I have done nothing to help myself so I don't complain to anyone about my lack of progress. It's 150% of my fault.
I have been thinking about how good I felt at my college graduation. In one year I will be graduating from Dental Hygiene and I want to look as good as I feel. It took 9 months for me to lose 40lbs while following WW pretty closely. Granted I was in college and on a budget so there really is no excuse for me to lose 50-60lbs. That would be the minimum weight loss goal but I'm going to aim for 8-10lbs/month. I'm starting tomorrow with planning my meals; I'm going to have 2 Shakeology meal replacement drinks since I have so much of it! I make it with almond milk and half a banana so it's not too dense but satisfying. My snacks will be string cheese, fruit, hard boiled eggs, and yogurt. I'm going to prepare my food weekly each Sunday evening so I don't have to think during the week. I have summer school 3 days a week so I think this plan is feasible, plus I'll be able to re-charge and work out 4-5 days/wk. I'm excited about doing this; it's a day in/day out process.
Here's a "Before" picture that was taken last Friday at graduation for the class of 2013:
June 7, 2013
What's interesting to me is that I don't feel that big. I don't look at my reflection and see this person; I see a smaller but still curvy version of myself. Most of the weight I have gained is in my abdomen, legs, and booth which isn't good whatsoever. I don't know why I have a distorted view of myself....hmm, time for some real therapy!
Time to put in work!!!
So here I am, contemplating what can I do each semester, each day, each hour regarding my food choices. I look at my daily choices and they are not good - eating croissants, pizza, Mexican food, etc without a care. In fact, I have a whole bag of Shakeology I haven't touched! That is terrible since that mix is not cheap. Also I can't remember the last time I weighed myself nonetheless tracked. What's tracking?!?!?! I couldn't even tell you how many points a food has. I have done nothing to help myself so I don't complain to anyone about my lack of progress. It's 150% of my fault.
I have been thinking about how good I felt at my college graduation. In one year I will be graduating from Dental Hygiene and I want to look as good as I feel. It took 9 months for me to lose 40lbs while following WW pretty closely. Granted I was in college and on a budget so there really is no excuse for me to lose 50-60lbs. That would be the minimum weight loss goal but I'm going to aim for 8-10lbs/month. I'm starting tomorrow with planning my meals; I'm going to have 2 Shakeology meal replacement drinks since I have so much of it! I make it with almond milk and half a banana so it's not too dense but satisfying. My snacks will be string cheese, fruit, hard boiled eggs, and yogurt. I'm going to prepare my food weekly each Sunday evening so I don't have to think during the week. I have summer school 3 days a week so I think this plan is feasible, plus I'll be able to re-charge and work out 4-5 days/wk. I'm excited about doing this; it's a day in/day out process.
Here's a "Before" picture that was taken last Friday at graduation for the class of 2013:
June 7, 2013
What's interesting to me is that I don't feel that big. I don't look at my reflection and see this person; I see a smaller but still curvy version of myself. Most of the weight I have gained is in my abdomen, legs, and booth which isn't good whatsoever. I don't know why I have a distorted view of myself....hmm, time for some real therapy!
Time to put in work!!!
Friday, December 28, 2012
What's Eating You?
I have been far too silent on this blog and pretended for some time that I made a promise to deal with my food issues by the time my 30th birthday arrived. Well that was 4 months ago, and here I am further from my goal than I have been in years. In fact, being back in school has awaken most of my insecurities that I had forgotten about, and I have turned to food for comfort.
However, I have slipped into a dark place I have only been in back when I worked at ERAC. That is nearly 4.5 years ago, and every single year I vowed to lose weigh to get back to where I was when I graduated from college. I remember how amazing I felt that day and it had nothing to do with my dipoloma but rather showing people that I could be pretty, attractive, smart, and funny. What made it even better was that a guy who dated me earlier in the semester (only to break it off in the most cowardly way), was sitting in the very front row and couldn't ignore the fact how good I looked. I remember the look on his face and for once I knew things didn't work out with a guy (and it never did, even when we tried to hang out again) because of my lack of appeal. Is this how all pretty girls feel? If something doesn't work out with a guy, they don't think about it because another guy is around the corner waiting to swoop her up? Often I wonder what my life would be like if I didn't have these food struggles; however, they are so engrained in my past and present, I don't know how to pass them up. Furthermore, I don't know how to maintain good behaviors once I reach a goal.
So what would cause me to recede to a dark place to cause such awful emotional eating to occur? It's really a summation of things that I can sort of compartmentalize:
1) Commuting: it sucks to be tired constantly and commuting does that to the point where by the end of class, I'm too exhausted to work out which is completely counterproductive to what I like to do!
2) Living with my parents: when my dad was going through treatment while staying at his mom's, it wasn't that bad. However, it's pretty annoying to be so exhausted and have to decide: floor or crappy couch? Plus throw in my mom's childish behaviors with my dad's emotional mood swings, I'm caught in the crossfire of an awful codependent relationship that drives me up the wall.
3) School: constant stress of the material plus the stress of the social games that are played among one another drives me insane! I have social anxiety among females and when I see a group of them gathered, fear strikes me in the gut that they hate me. This has done more harm than good and with lack of support from someone in the program, I feel that I'm falling and grasping for a helping hand to say, "I see you, I'm glad you're in this program." Instead it's a bunch of shit talking from 21 to 44 year old high schoolers wanting everyone to know they are awesome and everyone else is crap.
4) Loneliness: it has been 2 years since my last relationship, I have dated 2 guys, and have messed around with one I never should have. Sure there are some guys at work that fancy my ass but all I can think about is how I hate seeing myself naked, so they don't get to see that either. One person became a good friend to me, and it was nice to build a friendship but there are long periods in which I don't hear from him since he has a gf. And it's not just loneliness, but a lack of privacy too. I can't have a night of silence if I choose; I have to use Netflix to drown out the annoying loud talking of my parents in the next bedroom or my dad rolling into the living room and banging around the kitchen getting a glass of iced tea. I can't just enjoy being alone. But back to loneliness - it is more than a status change on FB, it's state of mind that is fleeting at first but it builds up eventually. The holidays cause it to come out more and all the status changes to "engaged" and photos of children or baby announcements have a subtle way of reminding you that you're single, someone who has crossed your path does not fancy you. And I know this is for a fact: my weight is only a physical roadblock but even my personality doesn't appeal to people. That is really what I struggle with. How do I become a better person, someone that people want to be close with?
So what's the solution besides to not sit and wallow? Well I'm not asking for sympathy but I became alarmed last night when my own sister said to me that she was/is worried about me. My sister has never judged me about my weight but has known how I have used it as a crutch to explain not having a significant other; for her to tell me that she is scared really opened my eyes because all we have is each other. Yes she has a family but we are sisters and her opinion is really the most valuable one to me, which is why it hurts so much when I disappoint her or we get in arguments. She tells me the most brutal truth when I need it and I'm thankful for that.
I read a quote on Miss Suzi Storm's FB feed that said "Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change." I feel I have been honest with myself but need to learn how to discipline myself in a positive way instead of negative. Self talk such as "Don't be a fat ass!" shouldn't be normal dialogue in my head whenever I deviate from what I've packed in my lunch bag. Other things that go through my head aren't as bad, except at the gym when we run down the block and back. Often I think about the people driving up and down the street, looking at the overweight white girl with a big ol' booty at the end of the group and pitying me. I don't want your pity, I want support and thankfully I have one of the best instructors that builds my confidence at each class. With a change in location that is closer to school, I think a lot of my issues will decrease but I'm going to seek further help with a counselor. I had one appointment last semester and I really liked the counselor. I hope this Spring semester I can make some progress that will help with my future in all areas of my life.
However, I have slipped into a dark place I have only been in back when I worked at ERAC. That is nearly 4.5 years ago, and every single year I vowed to lose weigh to get back to where I was when I graduated from college. I remember how amazing I felt that day and it had nothing to do with my dipoloma but rather showing people that I could be pretty, attractive, smart, and funny. What made it even better was that a guy who dated me earlier in the semester (only to break it off in the most cowardly way), was sitting in the very front row and couldn't ignore the fact how good I looked. I remember the look on his face and for once I knew things didn't work out with a guy (and it never did, even when we tried to hang out again) because of my lack of appeal. Is this how all pretty girls feel? If something doesn't work out with a guy, they don't think about it because another guy is around the corner waiting to swoop her up? Often I wonder what my life would be like if I didn't have these food struggles; however, they are so engrained in my past and present, I don't know how to pass them up. Furthermore, I don't know how to maintain good behaviors once I reach a goal.
So what would cause me to recede to a dark place to cause such awful emotional eating to occur? It's really a summation of things that I can sort of compartmentalize:
1) Commuting: it sucks to be tired constantly and commuting does that to the point where by the end of class, I'm too exhausted to work out which is completely counterproductive to what I like to do!
2) Living with my parents: when my dad was going through treatment while staying at his mom's, it wasn't that bad. However, it's pretty annoying to be so exhausted and have to decide: floor or crappy couch? Plus throw in my mom's childish behaviors with my dad's emotional mood swings, I'm caught in the crossfire of an awful codependent relationship that drives me up the wall.
3) School: constant stress of the material plus the stress of the social games that are played among one another drives me insane! I have social anxiety among females and when I see a group of them gathered, fear strikes me in the gut that they hate me. This has done more harm than good and with lack of support from someone in the program, I feel that I'm falling and grasping for a helping hand to say, "I see you, I'm glad you're in this program." Instead it's a bunch of shit talking from 21 to 44 year old high schoolers wanting everyone to know they are awesome and everyone else is crap.
4) Loneliness: it has been 2 years since my last relationship, I have dated 2 guys, and have messed around with one I never should have. Sure there are some guys at work that fancy my ass but all I can think about is how I hate seeing myself naked, so they don't get to see that either. One person became a good friend to me, and it was nice to build a friendship but there are long periods in which I don't hear from him since he has a gf. And it's not just loneliness, but a lack of privacy too. I can't have a night of silence if I choose; I have to use Netflix to drown out the annoying loud talking of my parents in the next bedroom or my dad rolling into the living room and banging around the kitchen getting a glass of iced tea. I can't just enjoy being alone. But back to loneliness - it is more than a status change on FB, it's state of mind that is fleeting at first but it builds up eventually. The holidays cause it to come out more and all the status changes to "engaged" and photos of children or baby announcements have a subtle way of reminding you that you're single, someone who has crossed your path does not fancy you. And I know this is for a fact: my weight is only a physical roadblock but even my personality doesn't appeal to people. That is really what I struggle with. How do I become a better person, someone that people want to be close with?
So what's the solution besides to not sit and wallow? Well I'm not asking for sympathy but I became alarmed last night when my own sister said to me that she was/is worried about me. My sister has never judged me about my weight but has known how I have used it as a crutch to explain not having a significant other; for her to tell me that she is scared really opened my eyes because all we have is each other. Yes she has a family but we are sisters and her opinion is really the most valuable one to me, which is why it hurts so much when I disappoint her or we get in arguments. She tells me the most brutal truth when I need it and I'm thankful for that.
I read a quote on Miss Suzi Storm's FB feed that said "Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change." I feel I have been honest with myself but need to learn how to discipline myself in a positive way instead of negative. Self talk such as "Don't be a fat ass!" shouldn't be normal dialogue in my head whenever I deviate from what I've packed in my lunch bag. Other things that go through my head aren't as bad, except at the gym when we run down the block and back. Often I think about the people driving up and down the street, looking at the overweight white girl with a big ol' booty at the end of the group and pitying me. I don't want your pity, I want support and thankfully I have one of the best instructors that builds my confidence at each class. With a change in location that is closer to school, I think a lot of my issues will decrease but I'm going to seek further help with a counselor. I had one appointment last semester and I really liked the counselor. I hope this Spring semester I can make some progress that will help with my future in all areas of my life.
Friday, November 4, 2011
True Love for the Thin & Beautiful Only?
The secret above was submitted about a month again and at first, I grazed over it because I believed I didn't think that way anymore. However, I couldn't ignore that voice in my head that deep down, I do believe what that secret states. I've believed that secret since I was a child and it was reinstated in my world via media and family. If you didn't know, I have a fantastic sister and I'm so thankful to have such a person in my life - she is my very best friend and I couldn't function without her in my life. My sister and I are completely different in terms of body types - she is 5'10 1/2" and thin and I'm 5'6" and thick. At young ages we were taught to believe that because of our looks, our lives would have certain paths - she would get married and have children, and I would graduate college and make lots of money. Not until we were older did we realize how warped our views were and how looks had nothing to do with our accomplishments.
Growing up, we both went through a lot of painful teasing or what is called "bullying" now. While I may have received more brutal attacks, the pain they inflicted is very real to the both of us. What I couldn't fathom is why people would make fun of the one person I had wanted to be for so long? My sister was the "normal" one and I was the 6th grader going on a diet called The Healthy Way , which was a program to convert me to a vegetarian with glucose supplement pills! As I grew older, I found Weight Watchers which has shown to be the best program for me to lose weight.
Anyway, I didn't believe true love came to those who are more rotund than the status quo; I mean why would it? Why would a guy fall in love with me when there are so many other girls, girl who have decent bodies? Granted there are a lot of girls who are Butter faces but they still stand a greater chance with a guy than myself! Now I know I can hear some people saying, "It's your confidence, not your looks that will make you more attractive!". That could be true but even the improvement of my confidence hasn't proven to make someone be interested in me beyond a few weeks. And I'm also well aware that the quality of guys in my area is definitely low; most of them treat women like garbage and are stuck in the "Peter Pan" mind set ("I'm never gonna grow up!"). And I know I deserve true love and I'm worthy of it; I'm beyond frustrated that I haven't experienced it with someone else and at 29, I can't help but think it's my fault since I haven't made myself the most physically attractive as I could be. I'll make witty banter, be flirty, and catch someone's attention with my eyes but it isn't enough to entice a guy to find out more. I heard someone say she had to use her mind in order to attract a guy, but I think every girl does that in some way *after* the initial physical attraction.
My point: when I reach my goal weight and perhaps I don't find true love, does that make me a failure? I say it is a failure if I don't love myself exactly as I am at this point. I'm learning more about myself every day and learning to love yourself after despising yourself for so long is a tough thing to do. Yet I'm determined to do it and I'm not perfect - I have plenty of moments of insecurity and I've done much better not to dwell on in it. The better I love myself, the more clarity I will have in how I want to be loved by someone and know that I won't tolerate being treated less than that.
Here's to personal growth and self-love....
Ciao!
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Not a Losing Battle!
Hey everyone! Sorry for the lack of updating; it's been a busy time plus with the untimely malfunction of my lappy needing a repair that took at MONTH, I'm happy to be back here.
My birthday came and went, which was a fun time! I went out to the Yard House with Sandra the day before my bday. It was pretty good and got a free chocolate souffle for dessert! On my actual birthday my sister took me to Jazz on the Plaz in Los Gatos. It was definitely an older scene but very entertaining for people watching. Something like that could never exist in Santa Cruz because a drum circle would form somewhere! People brought tables, bottles of wine, cheese and meat plates and enjoyed the music. My sister bought a bottle of SkinnyGirl margarita, crackers, and Laughing Cow cheese. We sat on a blanket and surveyed the antics of others. Before we knew it, the bottle was practically empty! Soon my mom joined up with us and we went to Willow Street Cafe for dinner. Afterward we went to a few places and lots of drinking, dancing, and drive thru bargaining occurred :D
What I want to discuss here is how I did not reach my 40lbs goal by my bday, but I am awfully close to 30. Now I could beat myself up, drown myself in negative talk, and end up where I was a few months ago. However, I'm quite proud to be close to 30lbs lost and I know it's my fault for not reaching 40. BUT that doesn't mean I can't get to that goal ever!! The month of not having my lappy really sucked; I'm doing Weight Watchers ONLINE...a little rough to track without having my tracker accessible! The good news: I gained 1.5lbs in that time. How is that good news, you wonder? Well I could have gained much more without having a legit system of tracking my intake. I stuck to foods that I knew the Points values for so I knew I was in the ball park but not perfect. Also I learned that working out on a regular basis is necessary for my *mental* health. No longer is it a requirement for speeding up my weight loss but plays a huge role in my confidence and sanity!
So guess what my goal is....TRACKING!! It is the ultimate key to weight loss; to hit my Points goal while eating nutritious food, not calorie-dense items. I won't deny that I've been the reason I've plateaued but I can be the reason it changes! I'm determined to bust through this mental road block to obtain more success by pushing myself to track and even pre-track meals so I stick to plan instead of making choices on the fly.
On a separate note, my sister bought me not 1 but 2 pairs of jeans for my bday presents :) Never thought I'd see the day I'd want JEANS as a gift!
Alright, here are some progress photos I've taken:
Ciao for now!
My birthday came and went, which was a fun time! I went out to the Yard House with Sandra the day before my bday. It was pretty good and got a free chocolate souffle for dessert! On my actual birthday my sister took me to Jazz on the Plaz in Los Gatos. It was definitely an older scene but very entertaining for people watching. Something like that could never exist in Santa Cruz because a drum circle would form somewhere! People brought tables, bottles of wine, cheese and meat plates and enjoyed the music. My sister bought a bottle of SkinnyGirl margarita, crackers, and Laughing Cow cheese. We sat on a blanket and surveyed the antics of others. Before we knew it, the bottle was practically empty! Soon my mom joined up with us and we went to Willow Street Cafe for dinner. Afterward we went to a few places and lots of drinking, dancing, and drive thru bargaining occurred :D
What I want to discuss here is how I did not reach my 40lbs goal by my bday, but I am awfully close to 30. Now I could beat myself up, drown myself in negative talk, and end up where I was a few months ago. However, I'm quite proud to be close to 30lbs lost and I know it's my fault for not reaching 40. BUT that doesn't mean I can't get to that goal ever!! The month of not having my lappy really sucked; I'm doing Weight Watchers ONLINE...a little rough to track without having my tracker accessible! The good news: I gained 1.5lbs in that time. How is that good news, you wonder? Well I could have gained much more without having a legit system of tracking my intake. I stuck to foods that I knew the Points values for so I knew I was in the ball park but not perfect. Also I learned that working out on a regular basis is necessary for my *mental* health. No longer is it a requirement for speeding up my weight loss but plays a huge role in my confidence and sanity!
So guess what my goal is....TRACKING!! It is the ultimate key to weight loss; to hit my Points goal while eating nutritious food, not calorie-dense items. I won't deny that I've been the reason I've plateaued but I can be the reason it changes! I'm determined to bust through this mental road block to obtain more success by pushing myself to track and even pre-track meals so I stick to plan instead of making choices on the fly.
On a separate note, my sister bought me not 1 but 2 pairs of jeans for my bday presents :) Never thought I'd see the day I'd want JEANS as a gift!
Alright, here are some progress photos I've taken:
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| At the Angels & Demons Party August 5th |
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| Helping my mom move, I took advantage of the full length mirror - August 11th |
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| Full frontal in full length mirror - August 11th |
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| New jeans booty shot! September-ish |
Ciao for now!
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Progress Photos
Hey everyone! Here are TWO updated progress pictures of me, taken by my sister on Wednesday June 28 in the afternoon....
Friday, June 3, 2011
Feedback, not Failure
Hello blog land! Happy Friday to everyone, hope you're all doing well. I can't believe it's June already, half a year down. Which means my birthday is just a couple months away and I'm not really excited to be 29. It feels like a looming deadline of getting my life in order before turning the Dirty 30. Moving on....!
I've been doing pretty well on Weight Watchers Online, dropping 22 lbs as of today! At the beginning of the program I was losing 3-5 pounds each week and now it has leveled off. To be honest, I didn't believe this week would amount to anything. I didn't track, I didn't work out (first time in months that I didn't make it to the gym the whole week), and was distracted by other aspects of life. This morning I got my result of a loss of 0.1lbs. You can lose that by going to the bathroom, so instead of dwelling on what I didn't lose, I'm focusing on what I *gained* this week.
- Emotional eating: I'm triggered by stress and anxiety. I had my final and distracted myself from studying by eating. What did that get me: a really bloated tummy, feelings of disgust and defeat.
- Events: I saw Usher on Memorial Day Weekend with my sister. I enjoyed beer, alcohol, and fried food without feeling guilty. However my body didn't feel very good; it's possible it contributed to my lack of energy and motivation to get to the gym. Watching Akon and Usher jump around on stage, well....that was motivation to keep on keepin on! I think they do their Perfect Push ups back stage :)
-Activity: I missed all of my favorite classes this week, resulting in feeling lethargic and jiggly. Even at work when I lift the 5 gallon paint buckets, I don't feel as strong.
- Choices: not all of my choices were bad per se, but I felt out of control since I didn't plan and didn't measure portions. Lesson learned: failing to plan is planning to fail!
So what does this mean for this new week? It means action, putting what I learned to use, and keeping my eyes on the prize. Each night I will pack my lunch for work, setting myself up for success and feeling in control of my choices. Monday night I will be going to U-Jam for the first time in a month (yay!), kicking off my return to activity.
For the past two years, I have mentioned in this blog how I don't want to be dealing with my weight by the time I'm 30. I want to be maintaining my health and figure, and stop having it define my outlook on life. I have decided that I want to lose 40lbs total by my birthday. It's a clear, defined goal that isn't too short or long and obtainable. By doing this, I will achieve many milestones that I haven't reached in a long time and I'm really excited to get there. I will get there one day, one week at a time...
I've been doing pretty well on Weight Watchers Online, dropping 22 lbs as of today! At the beginning of the program I was losing 3-5 pounds each week and now it has leveled off. To be honest, I didn't believe this week would amount to anything. I didn't track, I didn't work out (first time in months that I didn't make it to the gym the whole week), and was distracted by other aspects of life. This morning I got my result of a loss of 0.1lbs. You can lose that by going to the bathroom, so instead of dwelling on what I didn't lose, I'm focusing on what I *gained* this week.
- Emotional eating: I'm triggered by stress and anxiety. I had my final and distracted myself from studying by eating. What did that get me: a really bloated tummy, feelings of disgust and defeat.
- Events: I saw Usher on Memorial Day Weekend with my sister. I enjoyed beer, alcohol, and fried food without feeling guilty. However my body didn't feel very good; it's possible it contributed to my lack of energy and motivation to get to the gym. Watching Akon and Usher jump around on stage, well....that was motivation to keep on keepin on! I think they do their Perfect Push ups back stage :)
-Activity: I missed all of my favorite classes this week, resulting in feeling lethargic and jiggly. Even at work when I lift the 5 gallon paint buckets, I don't feel as strong.
- Choices: not all of my choices were bad per se, but I felt out of control since I didn't plan and didn't measure portions. Lesson learned: failing to plan is planning to fail!
So what does this mean for this new week? It means action, putting what I learned to use, and keeping my eyes on the prize. Each night I will pack my lunch for work, setting myself up for success and feeling in control of my choices. Monday night I will be going to U-Jam for the first time in a month (yay!), kicking off my return to activity.
For the past two years, I have mentioned in this blog how I don't want to be dealing with my weight by the time I'm 30. I want to be maintaining my health and figure, and stop having it define my outlook on life. I have decided that I want to lose 40lbs total by my birthday. It's a clear, defined goal that isn't too short or long and obtainable. By doing this, I will achieve many milestones that I haven't reached in a long time and I'm really excited to get there. I will get there one day, one week at a time...
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Restart
Hey everyone! Hope you're all doing well. It's been awhile since my last update and I have an announcement to make....
I joined Weight Watchers online! Besides Jennifer Hudson's amazing transformation, I follow another blog called Bitch Cakes: A Neurotic Glamour Girl's Weight Watchers Experience and Fitness Adventures. I've been following this blog since I *last* followed WW and adored it from the start. Her entries regarding the emotional and mental aspects of weight loss are so relateable to my own struggles and inner demons. She doesn't hold back in her struggles, feelings, insights, and achievements. She's her best cheerleader, advocate, and #1 critic wrapped up in one. Also she has AMAZING style and is very active with her followers. She has met countless followers in the flesh, will possibly be in the Weight Watchers magazine, and charts her activity into spread sheets. She's incredible and if I ever get a chance to get to NYC again, I'd love to meet her.
So why did I join WW the online version? Well it started when I noticed I wasn't feeling right, not feeling comfortable, not confident even when hair and make up were done, and tired of not being noticed. Not that I want men to fall over looking at me but at least not avoid approaching me. I'd been talking about it for a couple weeks with my sister about how my eating felt out of line with my goal. Then last Friday April 8th I took a brave step and saw what I weighed.....and that was that. I went to work came home and signed up for WW online. Why online version and not the meetings? To be honest, I can't believe that I will find another leader like my last, Jenn. Jenn made meetings feel "safe" in the sense that the logical answer wasn't the only acceptable answer to situations. She had a way to take a "weight loss" issue and relate it to life over all. Remember this blog where I really let it out? Jenn brought up this concept and I can remember it clear as day. I'm so thankful that our paths crossed and sad she will be out of the area. But I know she's always in Santa Cruz in spirit :)
I have really enjoyed the new PointsPlus program. Basically the plan is emphasizing real food and not processed food. I have felt pretty satisfied and have gotten creative with ground turkey. My favorite thing I have created is what I call a Spicy & Tangy Turkey Burger. Here's what it is:
- 1 Trader Joe's Honey Wheat hamburger bun
- 4oz of ground turkey, 97% fat free
- mixed greens
- balsamic vinegar 1/2 tsp
- Tapatio
- A 1 sauce
- Tomato slices
- garlic, small clove
Dice up garlic and add to turkey meat in a small bowl. Add as much Tapatio as you want to make your burger spicy and mix well. Roll turkey meat into a ball and pound it out to a burger. Place on George Forman and warm buns in above compartment (if you have that model). While it cooks, place mixed greens in a cup and add a dash of balsamic vinegar and toss gently. Slice up tomatoes and set aside. Remove bun from warmer, add Tapatio to top portion of bun and then A 1 sauce. Use a spoon to blend together. Put mixed greens on bottom portion of bun, add turkey patty, tomato slices, and bun top. It's sooo good and it's 9 points. I made this for dinner and was full the rest of the night :)
I'm off to bed after doing Cardio X training and Zumba tonight with Carlie. She has become my workout buddy and we motivate each other to get to the gym!
Good night all!
I joined Weight Watchers online! Besides Jennifer Hudson's amazing transformation, I follow another blog called Bitch Cakes: A Neurotic Glamour Girl's Weight Watchers Experience and Fitness Adventures. I've been following this blog since I *last* followed WW and adored it from the start. Her entries regarding the emotional and mental aspects of weight loss are so relateable to my own struggles and inner demons. She doesn't hold back in her struggles, feelings, insights, and achievements. She's her best cheerleader, advocate, and #1 critic wrapped up in one. Also she has AMAZING style and is very active with her followers. She has met countless followers in the flesh, will possibly be in the Weight Watchers magazine, and charts her activity into spread sheets. She's incredible and if I ever get a chance to get to NYC again, I'd love to meet her.
So why did I join WW the online version? Well it started when I noticed I wasn't feeling right, not feeling comfortable, not confident even when hair and make up were done, and tired of not being noticed. Not that I want men to fall over looking at me but at least not avoid approaching me. I'd been talking about it for a couple weeks with my sister about how my eating felt out of line with my goal. Then last Friday April 8th I took a brave step and saw what I weighed.....and that was that. I went to work came home and signed up for WW online. Why online version and not the meetings? To be honest, I can't believe that I will find another leader like my last, Jenn. Jenn made meetings feel "safe" in the sense that the logical answer wasn't the only acceptable answer to situations. She had a way to take a "weight loss" issue and relate it to life over all. Remember this blog where I really let it out? Jenn brought up this concept and I can remember it clear as day. I'm so thankful that our paths crossed and sad she will be out of the area. But I know she's always in Santa Cruz in spirit :)
I have really enjoyed the new PointsPlus program. Basically the plan is emphasizing real food and not processed food. I have felt pretty satisfied and have gotten creative with ground turkey. My favorite thing I have created is what I call a Spicy & Tangy Turkey Burger. Here's what it is:
- 1 Trader Joe's Honey Wheat hamburger bun
- 4oz of ground turkey, 97% fat free
- mixed greens
- balsamic vinegar 1/2 tsp
- Tapatio
- A 1 sauce
- Tomato slices
- garlic, small clove
Dice up garlic and add to turkey meat in a small bowl. Add as much Tapatio as you want to make your burger spicy and mix well. Roll turkey meat into a ball and pound it out to a burger. Place on George Forman and warm buns in above compartment (if you have that model). While it cooks, place mixed greens in a cup and add a dash of balsamic vinegar and toss gently. Slice up tomatoes and set aside. Remove bun from warmer, add Tapatio to top portion of bun and then A 1 sauce. Use a spoon to blend together. Put mixed greens on bottom portion of bun, add turkey patty, tomato slices, and bun top. It's sooo good and it's 9 points. I made this for dinner and was full the rest of the night :)
I'm off to bed after doing Cardio X training and Zumba tonight with Carlie. She has become my workout buddy and we motivate each other to get to the gym!
Good night all!
Monday, February 21, 2011
The Real Me
Hey everyone! Hope this finds you doing well and not sick. There is the nastiest sinus infection virus going around and it has plagued me for about a month now. This has definitely affected my energy level to even consider getting to the gym on the regular. Today was the first day in a long time where I didn't have to take DayQuil to survive. To celebrate, I hit the gym hard! I did 30 minutes on the PreCore, 15 minutes of weights working my arms, 9 minutes on the treadmill doing intervals (my calves started to cramp!), abs, and some stretching. In total - an hour and 15 minutes. The bonus: Dimitrius was there :) Ahhhh if he could arrange to be there every time I go to the gym, I'd reaaaaalllly would appreciate it. Talk about some motivation besides my reflection :P I felt really good afterward and the night before, I had packed up my work food: 2 organic apples, a snack pack of raw almonds from Trader Joe's, half of a cheesy kaiser roll, about 1 1/2 c of cheese tortellini with pesto sauce (not drenched), and a salad consisting of butter lettuce, tomato, boiled egg, avocado, red wine vinegar, and extra virgin olive oil. I felt more conscious of what I was eating other than just picking whatever "sounded good" to eat. I felt pretty satisfied as well.
In regards to following Jackie Warner's plan, I did the 2 weeks of introducing her preferred foods into my diet but being sick definitely didn't help. Eating oatmeal doesn't sound appetizing when your nose is running down your face and you feel that a nail is being struck through your forehead. However, I did get lots of fruit and veggies added to my diet as well as tried whey protein shakes (yuck). I wasn't able to do everything she asked because frankly, it's expensive and I'm trying to get my credit card debt down! Jackie's plan includes a bunch of stuff from GNC (branched amino acid supplements, creatin, etc.) and I don't really agree with them after taking nutrition and finding out that with the correct diet, you don't need to be taking supplements of that nature. I am taking a multivitamin and Omega 3 supplements as I do know I don't get a whole lot of protein or other healthy fats besides EVOO into my daily routine. The worst part was I forgot the book at my sister's for the past two weeks due to being so exhausted and not grabbing it out of her room. This week I will remember because I want to start using Jackie's work out plans. I'm really excited to do weight training - does that sound odd?!
This weekend I purged a lot of crap out of my room while watching Season 4 of Sex and the City, my fave season. There's an episode called "The Real Me" and it's my absolute favorite. If you're not familiar I suggest you try to find it on Hulu or On Demand. The story line for Carrie is she gets invited to do a fashion show with D&G and people tell her she's the "modelest of the real people". Throughout the whole experience, up to the minute before the runway, Carrie is questioning how real she is, and all people keep telling her is "you're a model". She starts to believe her own hype until she gets on the runway and gets hit with a slap of reality (gotta watch that scene - priceless!). Tonight at the gym, I thought about the "real" me. I have my own perception of myself only to be obscured by what others think of me, both positive and negative. Of course I dwell on the negative and that is a part of what motivates to me to work out right now (besides the sight of my legs looking...different that usual). The parts that people tell me that I agree with are:
- smart
- funny
- considerate
- loyal
The ones I disagree with all have to do with my looks. I think I look cute occasionally but not gorgeous, pretty, stunning. I don't see that and maybe that's due to how uncomfortable I am in my own skin right now. I know my heart and I know the fears that surround it. A big fear is turning 30 and dealing with the same crap I've been dealing with since I was 6. Isn't that enough suffering to make a change? One night while driving over to my sister's, I had some shocking revelations due to a coworker that overheard me talking down about myself. He asked me if I had always been "this way" and I said, "No I've had my moments of looking great but only one of those times I was healthy. Anorexia doesn't count! You wouldn't believe how good I can look." And moments later, I realized that can be me *now*. It's been almost 7 years since I graduated college and looked and felt the most amazing I have ever been in my life so far. I still have that dress hanging in my closet because of the strong emotional connection I have with it. It's beautiful and I remember feeling beautiful in it and being able to show off my hard work, as well as show a guy who had dumped me how hot I was and he couldn't have me! I achieved a goal I had set 9 months and obtain a BA - who wouldn't feel fabulous?!
The other realization that sunk into my head was that I will have to work on my weight and my diet my whole life, despite how much I detest it. I have accepted that I can't lose 40 lbs and go back to eating countless Oreos
Alright, I'm off to bed. I'm hoping to make it to the gym before class but if not, there's Zumba at 7p :) Ciao!
In regards to following Jackie Warner's plan, I did the 2 weeks of introducing her preferred foods into my diet but being sick definitely didn't help. Eating oatmeal doesn't sound appetizing when your nose is running down your face and you feel that a nail is being struck through your forehead. However, I did get lots of fruit and veggies added to my diet as well as tried whey protein shakes (yuck). I wasn't able to do everything she asked because frankly, it's expensive and I'm trying to get my credit card debt down! Jackie's plan includes a bunch of stuff from GNC (branched amino acid supplements, creatin, etc.) and I don't really agree with them after taking nutrition and finding out that with the correct diet, you don't need to be taking supplements of that nature. I am taking a multivitamin and Omega 3 supplements as I do know I don't get a whole lot of protein or other healthy fats besides EVOO into my daily routine. The worst part was I forgot the book at my sister's for the past two weeks due to being so exhausted and not grabbing it out of her room. This week I will remember because I want to start using Jackie's work out plans. I'm really excited to do weight training - does that sound odd?!
This weekend I purged a lot of crap out of my room while watching Season 4 of Sex and the City, my fave season. There's an episode called "The Real Me" and it's my absolute favorite. If you're not familiar I suggest you try to find it on Hulu or On Demand. The story line for Carrie is she gets invited to do a fashion show with D&G and people tell her she's the "modelest of the real people". Throughout the whole experience, up to the minute before the runway, Carrie is questioning how real she is, and all people keep telling her is "you're a model". She starts to believe her own hype until she gets on the runway and gets hit with a slap of reality (gotta watch that scene - priceless!). Tonight at the gym, I thought about the "real" me. I have my own perception of myself only to be obscured by what others think of me, both positive and negative. Of course I dwell on the negative and that is a part of what motivates to me to work out right now (besides the sight of my legs looking...different that usual). The parts that people tell me that I agree with are:
- smart
- funny
- considerate
- loyal
The ones I disagree with all have to do with my looks. I think I look cute occasionally but not gorgeous, pretty, stunning. I don't see that and maybe that's due to how uncomfortable I am in my own skin right now. I know my heart and I know the fears that surround it. A big fear is turning 30 and dealing with the same crap I've been dealing with since I was 6. Isn't that enough suffering to make a change? One night while driving over to my sister's, I had some shocking revelations due to a coworker that overheard me talking down about myself. He asked me if I had always been "this way" and I said, "No I've had my moments of looking great but only one of those times I was healthy. Anorexia doesn't count! You wouldn't believe how good I can look." And moments later, I realized that can be me *now*. It's been almost 7 years since I graduated college and looked and felt the most amazing I have ever been in my life so far. I still have that dress hanging in my closet because of the strong emotional connection I have with it. It's beautiful and I remember feeling beautiful in it and being able to show off my hard work, as well as show a guy who had dumped me how hot I was and he couldn't have me! I achieved a goal I had set 9 months and obtain a BA - who wouldn't feel fabulous?!
The other realization that sunk into my head was that I will have to work on my weight and my diet my whole life, despite how much I detest it. I have accepted that I can't lose 40 lbs and go back to eating countless Oreos
Alright, I'm off to bed. I'm hoping to make it to the gym before class but if not, there's Zumba at 7p :) Ciao!
Friday, January 21, 2011
Naked
Hello friends! It's been a long, long, loooooong time since I've last updated this blog. Well over a year in fact. 2010 was a hell of a year, emphasis on the HELL part. After surviving a relationship that pretty much destroyed my self-confidence, I was able to look at the small yet big accomplishments I made that year in regards to my weight. For the first time in a long time, I maintained my weight loss I achieved through Weight Watchers! Granted I didn't lose anymore (except the post break up weight loss which doesn't count since that was anxiety and sadness induced) but I didn't gain either. I went through spurts of really active weeks at the gym where I'd do 5 days in a row followed by weeks of going once or twice for Zumba classes. My ex really messed with my head in terms of my body image - one minute he was fine with it, the next minute he was making me feel like the ugliest person he'd ever seen. It wasn't fair especially since my body didn't change in a negative way from when he met me. ANYWAY...
I have worked on a lot of the emotional hurt of that relationship but the wounds to my self-esteem and confidence are still on the mend. Granted my weight is my #1 insecurity - the first thing people put me down for the, the first thing I'm judged for, the way my intelligence is measured (smart people aren't fat, duh!). In the past two weeks, I have noticed that I'm consuming candy like I'm never going to eat it again. Buying a bag of Reese's mini peanut butter cups and demolishing them all in a sitting. I've also withdrawn from my family and friends, which isn't usually my deal. I think I may be slightly depressed but I'm not sure. I can't figure it out myself.
In order to gain control of my eating and to get out of my sugar-induced frenzy, I'm reading Jackie Warner's "This is Why You're Fat" which eliminates most processed sugar from the diet and incorporates a rotating fitness regime. I haven't gotten into the part of the book where it discusses the actual plan other than for 5 days I'm on plan, and for 2 days I get to "cheat" up to 750 calories. I want to give this plan a true shot because it's different from WW but emphasizes the same goal of balanced eating and optimal health achieved. At work I had a moment to write down why I wanted to lose weight, and this is what I wrote:
- Establish self-control
- No grounds/reason for physical rejection from men
- Able to shop/find clothes easier
- Be more confident
- Stronger
- Healthier
- More endurance
- Feel better naked
- Look better naked
- Look better clothed
Now the last three might make some people uncomfortable reading but come on ladies! We all get naked every day to shower (I hope) and pass up a mirror or two that shows us what we don't always "see". I avoid mirrors like the plague when I'm even changing, and when I do look, I cringe at what I see. Sometimes I can see what my ex didn't like about me, and at other times I'm thankful that my boobs are perky! haha I try to find one positive thing to say about myself while all the other negative thoughts circulate my mind. Sometimes I don't even recognize my own face or arms, like why do my cheeks look puffy and my arms have...cellulite?! What happened to my strong arms that could launch a softball down to second base or swing at a volleyball for a fierce serve?
With that, I'm excited to give Jackie's program a true shot. Like anything, it will require focus, preparation, and dedication. It's not going to be easy but I bet it will be easier than anything I went through with that jackass in 2010. Here's to my potential hotness!
I have worked on a lot of the emotional hurt of that relationship but the wounds to my self-esteem and confidence are still on the mend. Granted my weight is my #1 insecurity - the first thing people put me down for the, the first thing I'm judged for, the way my intelligence is measured (smart people aren't fat, duh!). In the past two weeks, I have noticed that I'm consuming candy like I'm never going to eat it again. Buying a bag of Reese's mini peanut butter cups and demolishing them all in a sitting. I've also withdrawn from my family and friends, which isn't usually my deal. I think I may be slightly depressed but I'm not sure. I can't figure it out myself.
In order to gain control of my eating and to get out of my sugar-induced frenzy, I'm reading Jackie Warner's "This is Why You're Fat" which eliminates most processed sugar from the diet and incorporates a rotating fitness regime. I haven't gotten into the part of the book where it discusses the actual plan other than for 5 days I'm on plan, and for 2 days I get to "cheat" up to 750 calories. I want to give this plan a true shot because it's different from WW but emphasizes the same goal of balanced eating and optimal health achieved. At work I had a moment to write down why I wanted to lose weight, and this is what I wrote:
- Establish self-control
- No grounds/reason for physical rejection from men
- Able to shop/find clothes easier
- Be more confident
- Stronger
- Healthier
- More endurance
- Feel better naked
- Look better naked
- Look better clothed
Now the last three might make some people uncomfortable reading but come on ladies! We all get naked every day to shower (I hope) and pass up a mirror or two that shows us what we don't always "see". I avoid mirrors like the plague when I'm even changing, and when I do look, I cringe at what I see. Sometimes I can see what my ex didn't like about me, and at other times I'm thankful that my boobs are perky! haha I try to find one positive thing to say about myself while all the other negative thoughts circulate my mind. Sometimes I don't even recognize my own face or arms, like why do my cheeks look puffy and my arms have...cellulite?! What happened to my strong arms that could launch a softball down to second base or swing at a volleyball for a fierce serve?
With that, I'm excited to give Jackie's program a true shot. Like anything, it will require focus, preparation, and dedication. It's not going to be easy but I bet it will be easier than anything I went through with that jackass in 2010. Here's to my potential hotness!
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Do You Have a FLAG?
Hey everyone! Sorry for putting the blog on a hiatus - it was not intended. Between all the drama going on in my life, this has fallen aside and it's time for me to bring it back. I know this blog will be getting more action due to some huge changes in my life that are going to occur.
About a month ago, my super insightful and awesome leader Jenn asked a simple question: "Do you eat when you're feeling emotional?" Some people responded right away while I hesitated to search myself for an honest answer. Initially, I didn't think I was an emotional eater; if anything I didn't eat when I'm anxious or stressed. However, Jenn dived into the topic head on and with a large poster board displaying the word FLAGS. Being that Jenn's a life coach, FLAGS was an acronym for a series of emotions.
F: Fear - fear of failure and success are quite often associate with weight loss. Fear of being different than what people expect from you, fear of falling back into the weight loss cycle.
L: Love - whether it's entering into a relationship and everything is coming up roses, nothing is better than indulging with your lover. I brought up a lack of love - that will cause you to eat as well! Food replacing the attention you want from someone you love or wanting someone to love and vice versa.
A: Anger - angry or resentful towards a person. Instead of confronting the issue and solving it, one avoids it by using food to literally fuel that anger. Anger occurs when something you value or respect has been violated by someone else.
G: Guilt - one feels guilty for an action or said words they regret.
S: Sadness - feeling a lack of something in your life.
As we moved through each emotion, more and more people started to open up and realize which emotions were evoked in certain situations. As for myself, I realized that I definitely due to sadness and love (whether or not it's in my life). When I'm single and not loving who I am, I start to believe that my life is disposable and doesn't register on anyone else's radar. Therefore I want someone to love me even more so to prove my life has worth. I know, I know I need to look inside myself to find my self worth. I've been making great strides in this but there are still moments of complete hate. I get even more frustrated when I get told I'm a wonderful person. If I'm so wonderful, then why am I still single? Therefore I must be defective on some level and of course, the easiest one to blame is me and my weight. What's worse is I went out a few times and while I feel better about myself, I haven't really received that recognition from men. It makes me wonder if I'm delusional about my own self-image.
Here's an updated picture from Halloween. I have pretty much maintained the same weight for almost six months. Super frustrating but it's my own doing. So freaked out that once I hit my half way mark, I'm not going to reach my end goal. The last time I had lost this much weight, I had looked so much better. The amount of weight loss that remains is symbolic of how far I let myself go beyond where I started then. I know I don't want to stay at this point, and I need to find something to anchor my goal. I have a pair of jeans from the last time I was at my goal weight, but I need something more portable. This woman in my meeting has two stones that say "Health" and "Success" on them as a way to remind her what is important to her choices throughout the day.What could I do to remind myself of my short and long term goals?
That is all my friends! The holidays are about to kick into overdrive!
About a month ago, my super insightful and awesome leader Jenn asked a simple question: "Do you eat when you're feeling emotional?" Some people responded right away while I hesitated to search myself for an honest answer. Initially, I didn't think I was an emotional eater; if anything I didn't eat when I'm anxious or stressed. However, Jenn dived into the topic head on and with a large poster board displaying the word FLAGS. Being that Jenn's a life coach, FLAGS was an acronym for a series of emotions.
F: Fear - fear of failure and success are quite often associate with weight loss. Fear of being different than what people expect from you, fear of falling back into the weight loss cycle.
L: Love - whether it's entering into a relationship and everything is coming up roses, nothing is better than indulging with your lover. I brought up a lack of love - that will cause you to eat as well! Food replacing the attention you want from someone you love or wanting someone to love and vice versa.
A: Anger - angry or resentful towards a person. Instead of confronting the issue and solving it, one avoids it by using food to literally fuel that anger. Anger occurs when something you value or respect has been violated by someone else.
G: Guilt - one feels guilty for an action or said words they regret.
S: Sadness - feeling a lack of something in your life.
As we moved through each emotion, more and more people started to open up and realize which emotions were evoked in certain situations. As for myself, I realized that I definitely due to sadness and love (whether or not it's in my life). When I'm single and not loving who I am, I start to believe that my life is disposable and doesn't register on anyone else's radar. Therefore I want someone to love me even more so to prove my life has worth. I know, I know I need to look inside myself to find my self worth. I've been making great strides in this but there are still moments of complete hate. I get even more frustrated when I get told I'm a wonderful person. If I'm so wonderful, then why am I still single? Therefore I must be defective on some level and of course, the easiest one to blame is me and my weight. What's worse is I went out a few times and while I feel better about myself, I haven't really received that recognition from men. It makes me wonder if I'm delusional about my own self-image.
That is all my friends! The holidays are about to kick into overdrive!
Monday, September 28, 2009
Going the Distance
The pics on the left are me in a new pair of GAP jeans I got on said shopping extravaganza. They are similar to the other pair I have but a few details are different and the fit is a bit different. At first I wasn't sure if I should buy them - they fit but a tad snug. That's where I get my motivation to make it where those feel loose on me. Those are what thoughts go through my head as I work out - all these efforts are to make a better version of the physical manifestation of my awesomeness :) The other awesome part of this purchase - they were $46.99 plus 40%, coming to a grand total of $30.80 out the door. Finding pants that fit me is quite a challenge; proof of this is at Old Navy I tried on their new "Dreamer" jeans and they are narrow at the knees! It was so odd and it happened on both sizes I tried on. I mentioned this to the sales girl and she was surprised; probably no one else had mentioned it directly to her but yeah it was odd. Other items I bought today: a pair of work out pants from Old Navy - never can have enough; a pair of cross trainer shoes - I'm so sick of my feet hurting by the 5th song at Zumba; 2 pairs of black work pants - they were 50% off at Lane Bryant and I fit into a size 2! For clarification, LB has their own "Right Fit" sizing thing so I'm not really a size 2 but I am one size away from being an 1:) When I first started this weight loss journey, I was a 3 or 4 depending on the cut of the pant. It felt fantastic! I went to Express to find some shirts but they are in that awkward transition in fashion between Fall/Winter and it wasn't pretty. Absolutely nothing in there was that appealing for women or men!
Another new development for this month: I'm starting to add running into my work out routine. I absolutely H-A-T-E running with a passion but it's the only thing that I don't do, therefore I do it in order to challenge my body and VO2 max (yeah, I learned that in Physio!). Last week I didn't get a chance to run but I did the week before and it felt pretty good since I actually ran, none of this sissy la-la jogging with arms flailing everywhere. I like to run down by the beach close to sunset; it's pretty incredible to watch the sun sink behind the horizon, and it gives me something to focus on besides the pain being endured from running. Although my new shoes are for every form of exercise, I'm going to use them for kickboxing and Zumba only and use my "old" shoes for running since that is what they're designed for. I plan on running tomorrow from the south side of Rio del Mar to Seacliff by the RV parking spots...without passing out!
Thursday, August 13, 2009
2 Years Ago, 1 Year Ago, Today
This is me (in red) and my sister (the one in white) on the day of her wedding. I had said I was going to go back to WW in order to be a sexy M.O.H. Yeah, I obviously didn't attain that goal but I had a blast anyway. I can't believe this was two years ago - feels like another life, especially with the boys here. I still have that dress hanging in my closet. For shits and giggles, I tried it on a few months ago with Sandra to see if there was a difference. There was a BIG difference - I would need some serious alterations in order to wear it again.
Here I am a year ago, this being the very first picture I took when I decided to start this blog. This was after going to Roy's at Spanish Bay, Carmel to celebrate quitting Enterprise Rent a Car and my birthday. I know I look really perturbed in the picture - my mom was having issues using my camera. At this point I'd hardly lost much on WW - maybe about 10-12lbs. After ending a disastrous relationship, there was definitely a period of time where I put focusing on myself on hold. After seeing this picture, I knew I had to get serious about losing weight and improving me.
Here I am today. Well at least at the end of June. The past 6 weeks have been rough with summer school but I have refocused on the goal in sight. With my birthday around the corner, I'm wanting it to be the last time I am overweight. I want to look forward to my 28th bday and enter my late 20s with hotness! Sandra is showing off her sexy De Anza gown - yes it was super hot that day! Hotter than Satan's ass crack as Sandra would say.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
PostSecret
It's been a month since I last wrote in my blog and finally I have the time to update it. I follow the PostSecret blog and every Sunday, they post new secrets sent to them from all over the world. Last Sunday, I saw this image with the Barbie with the secret shown. It made me stop and think about how high I have my standards set in some areas (education, work performance) and in other areas my standards are low, particularly in how I date. I have made leaps and bounds in the past couple years in what I know I deserve in relationship. I can't demand someone to respect me, I can only earn it. The same goes for love. In regards to weight loss, I have lowered my standards according to my weight loss progress. That is the issue: a lack of progress. In the past 4 months, I have flirted with accomplishing my 40lbs goal but not officially obtained it and pass it. My overall goal is to lose about 90lbs from my original starting weight, with 40lbs lot indicting a halfway point of sorts. My stamina in following the program to a T has waned. I'm trying to shake it up to get out of this funk so I can keep moving forward to my goal. This week I took the traveling tracker as a way to motivate me to be consistent in tracking as well as hold myself accountable. As Jenn says, "Regardless if you write it down, your body will keep a perfect journal." Clearly I need to snap out of this and I'm doing that, one day at a time. On the up side, I have increased my focus on exercise since I have a break from school! I am adding in Monday/Wednesday cardio sculpt at 530p as my work schedule allows. I went last Wednesday and on Thursday I woke up so sore!
This postcard was on the PostSecret blog today. It was relieving to see another person like myself that is frightened by weight loss progress. As I explained in the last entry, being rejected due to my weight is much easier to deal with than a personality reason b/c it's much easier to change the outside than inside. However, the inside feelings still remain regardless of the exterior, making the cycle of gain and loss be continuous. I see so many beautiful people around town, and people say I'm pretty - sometimes I see it, sometimes I don't. I'm fair skinned with hair that doesn't get dyed and blown out on a regular basis. I buy basic solids, pants, and jackets in which I hold onto them for years. Shopping is such a chore and I find it to be more depressing than encouraging. Sometimes it's motivating such as jean shopping, but that is rare. I'm hoping for the day that I'm just happy being me the way I am in the present every day. Not critiquing and throwing myself a pity party because I don't look like the popular celebrity de jour. Many people accept me the way I am, so I'm going to start listening to them and hopefully find my own point of view on myself for once.
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