Feedback, not Failure

Hello blog land! Happy Friday to everyone, hope you're all doing well. I can't believe it's June already, half a year down. Which means my birthday is just a couple months away and I'm not really excited to be 29. It feels like a looming deadline of getting my life in order before turning the Dirty 30. Moving on....!

I've been doing pretty well on Weight Watchers Online, dropping 22 lbs as of today! At the beginning of the program I was losing 3-5 pounds each week and now it has leveled off. To be honest, I didn't believe this week would amount to anything. I didn't track, I didn't work out (first time in months that I didn't make it to the gym the whole week), and was distracted by other aspects of life. This morning I got my result of a loss of 0.1lbs. You can lose that by going to the bathroom, so instead of dwelling on what I didn't lose, I'm focusing on what I *gained* this week.

- Emotional eating: I'm triggered by stress and anxiety. I had my final and distracted myself from studying by eating. What did that get me: a really bloated tummy, feelings of disgust and defeat.
- Events: I saw Usher on Memorial Day Weekend with my sister. I enjoyed beer, alcohol, and fried food without feeling guilty. However my body didn't feel very good; it's possible it contributed to my lack of energy and motivation to get to the gym. Watching Akon and Usher jump around on stage, well....that was motivation to keep on keepin on! I think they do their Perfect Push ups back stage :)
-Activity: I missed all of my favorite classes this week, resulting in feeling lethargic and jiggly. Even at work when I lift the 5 gallon paint buckets, I don't feel as strong.
- Choices: not all of my choices were bad per se, but I felt out of control since I didn't plan and didn't measure portions. Lesson learned: failing to plan is planning to fail!

So what does this mean for this new week? It means action, putting what I learned to use, and keeping my eyes on the prize. Each night I will pack my lunch for work, setting myself up for success and feeling in control of my choices. Monday night I will be going to U-Jam for the first time in a month (yay!), kicking off my return to activity.

For the past two years, I have mentioned in this blog how I don't want to be dealing with my weight by the time I'm 30. I want to be maintaining my health and figure, and stop having it define my outlook on life. I have decided that I want to lose 40lbs total by my birthday. It's a clear, defined goal that isn't too short or long and obtainable. By doing this, I will achieve many milestones that I haven't reached in a long time and I'm really excited to get there. I will get there one day, one week at a time...

Restart

Hey everyone! Hope you're all doing well. It's been awhile since my last update and I have an announcement to make....

I joined Weight Watchers online! Besides Jennifer Hudson's amazing transformation, I follow another blog called Bitch Cakes: A Neurotic Glamour Girl's Weight Watchers Experience and Fitness Adventures. I've been following this blog since I *last* followed WW and adored it from the start. Her entries regarding the emotional and mental aspects of weight loss are so relateable to my own struggles and inner demons. She doesn't hold back in her struggles, feelings, insights, and achievements. She's her best cheerleader, advocate, and #1 critic wrapped up in one. Also she has AMAZING style and is very active with her followers. She has met countless followers in the flesh, will possibly be in the Weight Watchers magazine, and charts her activity into spread sheets. She's incredible and if I ever get a chance to get to NYC again, I'd love to meet her.

So why did I join WW the online version? Well it started when I noticed I wasn't feeling right, not feeling comfortable, not confident even when hair and make up were done, and tired of not being noticed. Not that I want men to fall over looking at me but at least not avoid approaching me. I'd been talking about it for a couple weeks with my sister about how my eating felt out of line with my goal. Then last Friday April 8th I took a brave step and saw what I weighed.....and that was that. I went to work came home and signed up for WW online. Why online version and not the meetings? To be honest, I can't believe that I will find another leader like my last, Jenn. Jenn made meetings feel "safe" in the sense that the logical answer wasn't the only acceptable answer to situations. She had a way to take a "weight loss" issue and relate it to life over all. Remember this blog where I really let it out?  Jenn brought up this concept and I can remember it clear as day. I'm so thankful that our paths crossed and sad she will be out of the area. But I know she's always in Santa Cruz in spirit :)

I have really enjoyed the new PointsPlus program. Basically the plan is emphasizing real food and not processed food. I have felt pretty satisfied and have gotten creative with ground turkey. My favorite thing I have created is what I call a Spicy & Tangy Turkey Burger. Here's what it is:
- 1 Trader Joe's Honey Wheat hamburger bun
- 4oz of  ground turkey, 97% fat free
- mixed greens
- balsamic vinegar 1/2 tsp
- Tapatio
- A 1 sauce
- Tomato slices
- garlic, small clove

Dice up garlic and add to turkey meat in a small bowl. Add as much Tapatio as you want to make your burger spicy and mix well. Roll turkey meat into a ball and pound it out to a burger. Place on George Forman and warm buns in above compartment (if you have that model). While it cooks, place mixed greens in a cup and add a dash of balsamic vinegar and toss gently. Slice up tomatoes and set aside. Remove bun from warmer, add Tapatio to top portion of bun and then A 1 sauce. Use a spoon to blend together. Put mixed greens on bottom portion of bun, add turkey patty, tomato slices, and bun top. It's sooo good and it's 9 points. I made this for dinner and was full the rest of the night :)

I'm off to bed after doing Cardio X training and Zumba tonight with Carlie. She has become my workout buddy and we motivate each other to get to the gym!

Good night all!

The Real Me

Hey everyone! Hope this finds you doing well and not sick. There is the nastiest sinus infection virus going around and it has plagued me for about a month now. This has definitely affected my energy level to even consider getting to the gym on the regular. Today was the first day in a long time where I didn't have to take DayQuil to survive. To celebrate, I hit the gym hard! I did 30 minutes on the PreCore, 15 minutes of weights working my arms, 9 minutes on the treadmill doing intervals (my calves started to cramp!), abs, and some stretching. In total - an hour and 15 minutes. The bonus: Dimitrius was there :) Ahhhh if he could arrange to be there every time I go to the gym, I'd reaaaaalllly would appreciate it. Talk about some motivation besides my reflection :P I felt really good afterward and the night before, I had packed up my work food: 2 organic apples, a snack pack of raw almonds from Trader Joe's, half of a cheesy kaiser roll, about 1 1/2 c of cheese tortellini with pesto sauce (not drenched), and a salad consisting of butter lettuce, tomato, boiled egg, avocado, red wine vinegar, and extra virgin olive oil. I felt more conscious of what I was eating other than just picking whatever "sounded good" to eat. I felt pretty satisfied as well.

In regards to following Jackie Warner's plan, I did the 2 weeks of introducing her preferred foods into my diet but being sick definitely didn't help. Eating oatmeal doesn't sound appetizing when your nose is running down your face and you feel that a nail is being struck through your forehead. However, I did get lots of fruit and veggies added to my diet as well as tried whey protein shakes (yuck). I wasn't able to do everything she asked because frankly, it's expensive and I'm trying to get my credit card debt down! Jackie's plan includes a bunch of stuff from GNC (branched amino acid supplements, creatin, etc.) and I don't really agree with them after taking nutrition and finding out that with the correct diet, you don't need to be taking supplements of that nature. I am taking a multivitamin and Omega 3 supplements as I do know I don't get a whole lot of protein or other healthy fats besides EVOO into my daily routine. The worst part was I forgot the book at my sister's for the past two weeks due to being so exhausted and not grabbing it out of her room. This week I will remember because I want to start using Jackie's work out plans. I'm really excited to do weight training - does that sound odd?!

This weekend I purged a lot of crap out of my room while watching Season 4 of Sex and the City, my fave season. There's an episode called "The Real Me" and it's my absolute favorite. If you're not familiar I suggest you try to find it on Hulu or On Demand. The story line for Carrie is she gets invited to do a fashion show with D&G and people tell her she's the "modelest of the real people". Throughout the whole experience, up to the minute before the runway, Carrie is questioning how real she is, and all people keep telling her is "you're a model". She starts to believe her own hype until she gets on the runway and gets hit with a slap of reality (gotta watch that scene - priceless!). Tonight at the gym, I thought about the "real" me. I have my own perception of myself only to be obscured by what others think of me, both positive and negative. Of course I dwell on the negative and that is a part of what motivates to me to work out right now (besides the sight of my legs looking...different that usual). The parts that people tell me that I agree with are:
 - smart
-  funny
-  considerate
-  loyal

The ones I disagree with all have to do with my looks. I think I look cute occasionally but not gorgeous, pretty, stunning. I don't see that and maybe that's due to how uncomfortable I am in my own skin right now. I know my heart and I know the fears that surround it. A big fear is turning 30 and dealing with the same crap I've been dealing with since I was 6. Isn't that enough suffering to make a change? One night while driving over to my sister's, I had some shocking revelations due to a coworker that overheard me talking down about myself. He asked me if I had always been "this way" and I said, "No I've had my moments of looking great but only one of those times I was healthy. Anorexia doesn't count! You wouldn't believe how good I can look." And moments later, I realized that can be me *now*. It's been almost 7 years since I graduated college and looked and felt the most amazing I have ever been in my life so far. I still have that dress hanging in my closet because of the strong emotional connection I have with it. It's beautiful and I remember feeling beautiful in it and being able to show off my hard work, as well as show a guy who had dumped me how hot I was and he couldn't have me! I achieved a goal I had set 9 months and obtain a BA - who wouldn't feel fabulous?!

The other realization that sunk into my head was that I will have to work on my weight and my diet my whole life, despite how much I detest it. I have accepted that I can't lose 40 lbs and go back to eating countless Oreos

Alright, I'm off to bed. I'm hoping to make it to the gym before class but if not, there's Zumba at 7p :) Ciao!

Naked

Hello friends! It's been a long, long, loooooong time since I've last updated this blog. Well over a year in fact. 2010 was a hell of a year, emphasis on the HELL part. After surviving a relationship that pretty much destroyed my self-confidence, I was able to look at the small yet big accomplishments I made that year in regards to my weight. For the first time in a long time, I maintained my weight loss I achieved through Weight Watchers! Granted I didn't lose anymore (except the post break up weight loss which doesn't count since that was anxiety and sadness induced) but I didn't gain either. I went through spurts of really active weeks at the gym where I'd do 5 days in a row followed by weeks of going once or twice for Zumba classes. My ex really messed with my head in terms of my body image - one minute he was fine with it, the next minute he was making me feel like the ugliest person he'd ever seen. It wasn't fair especially since my body didn't change in a negative way from when he met me. ANYWAY...

I have worked on a lot of the emotional hurt of that relationship but the wounds to my self-esteem and confidence are still on the mend. Granted my weight is my #1 insecurity - the first thing people put me down for the, the first thing I'm judged for, the way my intelligence is measured (smart people aren't fat, duh!). In the past two weeks, I have noticed that I'm consuming candy like I'm never going to eat it again. Buying a bag of Reese's mini peanut butter cups and demolishing them all in a sitting. I've also withdrawn from my family and friends, which isn't usually my deal. I think I may be slightly depressed but I'm not sure. I can't figure it out myself.

In order to gain control of my eating and to get out of my sugar-induced frenzy, I'm reading Jackie Warner's "This is Why You're Fat" which eliminates most processed sugar from the diet and incorporates a rotating fitness regime. I haven't gotten into the part of the book where it discusses the actual plan other than for 5 days I'm on plan, and for 2 days I get to "cheat" up to 750 calories. I want to give this plan a true shot because it's different from WW but emphasizes the same goal of balanced eating and optimal health achieved. At work I had a moment to write down why I wanted to lose weight, and this is what I wrote:

- Establish self-control
- No grounds/reason for physical rejection from men
- Able to shop/find clothes easier
- Be more confident
- Stronger
- Healthier
- More endurance
- Feel better naked
- Look better naked
- Look better clothed

Now the last three might make some people uncomfortable reading but come on ladies! We all get naked every day to shower (I hope) and pass up a mirror or two that shows us what we don't always "see". I avoid mirrors like the plague when I'm even changing, and when I do look, I cringe at what I see. Sometimes I can see what my ex didn't like about me, and at other times I'm thankful that my boobs are perky! haha I try to find one positive thing to say about myself while all the other negative thoughts circulate my mind. Sometimes I don't even recognize my own face or arms, like why do my cheeks look puffy and my arms have...cellulite?! What happened to my strong arms that could launch a softball down to second base or swing at a volleyball for a fierce serve?

With that, I'm excited to give Jackie's program a true shot. Like anything, it will require focus, preparation, and dedication. It's not going to be easy but I bet it will be easier than anything I went through with that jackass in 2010. Here's to my potential hotness!

Do You Have a FLAG?

Hey everyone! Sorry for putting the blog on a hiatus - it was not intended. Between all the drama going on in my life, this has fallen aside and it's time for me to bring it back. I know this blog will be getting more action due to some huge changes in my life that are going to occur.

About a month ago, my super insightful and awesome leader Jenn asked a simple question: "Do you eat when you're feeling emotional?" Some people responded right away while I hesitated to search myself for an honest answer. Initially, I didn't think I was an emotional eater; if anything I didn't eat when I'm anxious or stressed. However, Jenn dived into the topic head on and with a large poster board displaying the word FLAGS. Being that Jenn's a life coach, FLAGS was an acronym for a series of emotions.

F: Fear - fear of failure and success are quite often associate with weight loss. Fear of being different than what people expect from you, fear of falling back into the weight loss cycle.

L: Love - whether it's entering into a relationship and everything is coming up roses, nothing is better than indulging with your lover. I brought up a lack of love - that will cause you to eat as well! Food replacing the attention you want from someone you love or wanting someone to love and vice versa.

A: Anger - angry or resentful towards a person. Instead of confronting the issue and solving it, one avoids it by using food to literally fuel that anger. Anger occurs when something you value or respect has been violated by someone else.

G: Guilt - one feels guilty for an action or said words they regret.

S: Sadness - feeling a lack of something in your life.

As we moved through each emotion, more and more people started to open up and realize which emotions were evoked in certain situations. As for myself, I realized that I definitely due to sadness and love (whether or not it's in my life). When I'm single and not loving who I am, I start to believe that my life is disposable and doesn't register on anyone else's radar. Therefore I want someone to love me even more so to prove my life has worth. I know, I know I need to look inside myself to find my self worth. I've been making great strides in this but there are still moments of complete hate. I get even more frustrated when I get told I'm a wonderful person. If I'm so wonderful, then why am I still single? Therefore I must be defective on some level and of course, the easiest one to blame is me and my weight. What's worse is I went out a few times and while I feel better about myself, I haven't really received that recognition from men. It makes me wonder if I'm delusional about my own self-image.

Here's an updated picture from Halloween. I have pretty much maintained the same weight for almost six months. Super frustrating but it's my own doing. So freaked out that once I hit my half way mark, I'm not going to reach my end goal. The last time I had lost this much weight, I had looked so much better. The amount of weight loss that remains is symbolic of how far I let myself go beyond where I started then. I know I don't want to stay at this point, and I need to find something to anchor my goal. I have a pair of jeans from the last time I was at my goal weight, but I need something more portable. This woman in my meeting has two stones that say "Health" and "Success" on them as a way to remind her what is important to her choices throughout the day.What could I do to remind myself of my short and long term goals?

That is all my friends! The holidays are about to kick into overdrive!

Going the Distance

Hey everyone! Sorry for the large gap in time in updating this blog, but it's with good reason. I'm literally 0.4lbs away from 40lbs! I'm pretty excited and I still have a way's to go. I want to lose two more sizes - be somewhere around 10/12. I know I can do it, and to to emphasize the progress I've made and where I want to end up, I did some extreme shopping today.

The pics on the left are me in a new pair of GAP jeans I got on said shopping extravaganza. They are similar to the other pair I have but a few details are different and the fit is a bit different. At first I wasn't sure if I should buy them - they fit but a tad snug. That's where I get my motivation to make it where those feel loose on me. Those are what thoughts go through my head as I work out - all these efforts are to make a better version of the physical manifestation of my awesomeness :) The other awesome part of this purchase - they were $46.99 plus 40%, coming to a grand total of $30.80 out the door. Finding pants that fit me is quite a challenge; proof of this is at Old Navy I tried on their new "Dreamer" jeans and they are narrow at the knees! It was so odd and it happened on both sizes I tried on. I mentioned this to the sales girl and she was surprised; probably no one else had mentioned it directly to her but yeah it was odd.

Other items I bought today: a pair of work out pants from Old Navy - never can have enough; a pair of cross trainer shoes - I'm so sick of my feet hurting by the 5th song at Zumba; 2 pairs of black work pants - they were 50% off at Lane Bryant and I fit into a size 2! For clarification, LB has their own "Right Fit" sizing thing so I'm not really a size 2 but I am one size away from being an 1:) When I first started this weight loss journey, I was a 3 or 4 depending on the cut of the pant. It felt fantastic! I went to Express to find some shirts but they are in that awkward transition in fashion between Fall/Winter and it wasn't pretty. Absolutely nothing in there was that appealing for women or men! 

Another new development for this month: I'm starting to add running into my work out routine. I absolutely H-A-T-E running with a passion but it's the only thing that I don't do, therefore I do it in order to challenge my body and VO2 max (yeah, I learned that in Physio!). Last week I didn't get a chance to run but I did the week before and it felt pretty good since I actually ran, none of this sissy la-la jogging with arms flailing everywhere. I like to run down by the beach close to sunset; it's pretty incredible to watch the sun sink behind the horizon, and it gives me something to focus on besides the pain being endured from running. Although my new shoes are for every form of exercise, I'm going to use them for kickboxing and Zumba only and use my "old" shoes for running since that is what they're designed for. I plan on running tomorrow from the south side of Rio del Mar to Seacliff by the RV parking spots...without passing out!

2 Years Ago, 1 Year Ago, Today

This is me (in red) and my sister (the one in white) on the day of her wedding. I had said I was going to go back to WW in order to be a sexy M.O.H. Yeah, I obviously didn't attain that goal but I had a blast anyway. I can't believe this was two years ago - feels like another life, especially with the boys here. I still have that dress hanging in my closet. For shits and giggles, I tried it on a few months ago with Sandra to see if there was a difference. There was a BIG difference - I would need some serious alterations in order to wear it again.










Here I am a year ago, this being the very first picture I took when I decided to start this blog. This was after going to Roy's at Spanish Bay, Carmel to celebrate quitting Enterprise Rent a Car and my birthday. I know I look really perturbed in the picture - my mom was having issues using my camera. At this point I'd hardly lost much on WW - maybe about 10-12lbs. After ending a disastrous relationship, there was definitely a period of time where I put focusing on myself on hold. After seeing this picture, I knew I had to get serious about losing weight and improving me.









Here I am today. Well at least at the end of June. The past 6 weeks have been rough with summer school but I have refocused on the goal in sight. With my birthday around the corner, I'm wanting it to be the last time I am overweight. I want to look forward to my 28th bday and enter my late 20s with hotness! Sandra is showing off her sexy De Anza gown - yes it was super hot that day! Hotter than Satan's ass crack as Sandra would say.

PostSecret

It's been a month since I last wrote in my blog and finally I have the time to update it. I follow the PostSecret blog and every Sunday, they post new secrets sent to them from all over the world. Last Sunday, I saw this image with the Barbie with the secret shown. It made me stop and think about how high I have my standards set in some areas (education, work performance) and in other areas my standards are low, particularly in how I date. I have made leaps and bounds in the past couple years in what I know I deserve in relationship. I can't demand someone to respect me, I can only earn it. The same goes for love. In regards to weight loss, I have lowered my standards according to my weight loss progress. That is the issue: a lack of progress. In the past 4 months, I have flirted with accomplishing my 40lbs goal but not officially obtained it and pass it. My overall goal is to lose about 90lbs from my original starting weight, with 40lbs lot indicting a halfway point of sorts. My stamina in following the program to a T has waned. I'm trying to shake it up to get out of this funk so I can keep moving forward to my goal. This week I took the traveling tracker as a way to motivate me to be consistent in tracking as well as hold myself accountable. As Jenn says, "Regardless if you write it down, your body will keep a perfect journal." Clearly I need to snap out of this and I'm doing that, one day at a time. On the up side, I have increased my focus on exercise since I have a break from school! I am adding in Monday/Wednesday cardio sculpt at 530p as my work schedule allows. I went last Wednesday and on Thursday I woke up so sore!


This postcard was on the PostSecret blog today. It was relieving to see another person like myself that is frightened by weight loss progress. As I explained in the last entry, being rejected due to my weight is much easier to deal with than a personality reason b/c it's much easier to change the outside than inside. However, the inside feelings still remain regardless of the exterior, making the cycle of gain and loss be continuous. I see so many beautiful people around town, and people say I'm pretty - sometimes I see it, sometimes I don't. I'm fair skinned with hair that doesn't get dyed and blown out on a regular basis. I buy basic solids, pants, and jackets in which I hold onto them for years. Shopping is such a chore and I find it to be more depressing than encouraging. Sometimes it's motivating such as jean shopping, but that is rare. I'm hoping for the day that I'm just happy being me the way I am in the present every day. Not critiquing and throwing myself a pity party because I don't look like the popular celebrity de jour. Many people accept me the way I am, so I'm going to start listening to them and hopefully find my own point of view on myself for once.

You Are Not Your Weight?

On Tuesday I went to my regular meeting and had a small weight loss - yay! At the beginning of the meeting, Jenn started talking about reactions she sees at the scale after weigh in's. She highlighted one member, that was also a coworker, that stood out in her mind because of how dramatically her mood would shift after getting off the scale. After a weight in that resulted in a gain, the member was noticeably upset and Jenn told her "you are not your weight". Annoyed by Jenn's statement, the member walked away in a huff to the rest room. While she was away, Jenn tore up pieces of paper and wrote down the saying on them. Then Jenn would deliver them to the member throughout that meeting, making the person more and more annoyed!

In turn, Jenn asked my meeting about our initial reactions to hearing "you are not your weight". A few members spoke up of their feelings but I didn't contribute anything of personal reactions. I wrote down the saying on my tracker, not wanting to put it on the shelf and get back to it at another time. Despite all my studying for microbiology, I couldn't stop thinking about that phrase: "you are not your weight".

My initial reaction was anger. What do you mean I'm not my weight?! My ENTIRE life thus so far has been ALL about weight! From the moment I was teased in kidnergarten by a fellow kid, I knew I was different from other kids, not because I was a girl but I was a "bigger girl" in the class. I didn't matter that I caught onto the alphabet quickly or had won a ribbon for being an excellent colorer. I was the "big" shy girl that was teased incessantly and it never let up.

As I got older, the more hurtful the comments became. I hardly had any friends because I was too shy to open my mouth and speak. When I did react to someone teasing me, I usually acted out physically, trying to hurt them so they could feel pain. Junior High was the most humiliating time of my life. In the 7th grade, all my friends ditched me because they didn't want to be associated with me. I escaped to the library at lunch as to not draw attention of others, being a loner in the hallways. Boys were so cruel to me, one in particular (he apologized for all his hurtful comments, and strangely we are now friends). In the 8th grade, Jimmy Fox was unbearably mean and never let me forget that I was fat. Is it any wonder to people that I wanted to die at age 12 and contemplated suicide?! No friends and fat = total outcast.

High school came and being in a new environment helped in that I could make friends who didn't know about my past. However, my weight fluctuated and by the end of freshman year, I was at the biggest I'd been at that point. During that summer while returning from a softball tournament, I experimented with not eating for a whole day and chewing a total of three pieces of gum for a grand total of 15 calories. By the time I went to bed, I felt I had made a huge achievement. The next morning wasn't pretty. In fact I was so light headed that when I got out of bed, I fell into my closet. Later I went down to the hot tub only to pass out into a planter box. My mom had no clue at the time what was going on. Soon volleyball double days started up and I was too tired to even think about eating. I lost weight and got so much positive feedback from friends and family, that I continued my food restriction. In less than two weeks, I had become anorexic - consuming about 3 apples a day, a fistful of pretzels, and gallons of diet soda. I was cold all the time, I could see my muscles through my clothes, and I had stopped getting my period. It didn't matter though - my health wasn't as important as wanting a guy to like me and accept me. This lasted for about 4 months and I nearly lost my best friend Larissa because of my behavior.

Obviously I'm not anorexic anymore but the cycle hasn't stopped. The constant fluctuantions of my weight has landed me to where I am now.

The second thing I felt was frustration. If I'm not my weight, then what am I? My weight has been my go-to reason for not having a lot of friends, not having many relationships, not having cute clothes, having zero self esteem and confidence. My weight has been the very source of so much pain and confusion of who I am as a person. Being the "heavier" one in my family, people are shocked to find out that I have parents in decent shape and a sister that has the body of a model. As kids, people did a double take at my sister and I, unable to process how we could possibly be related. As we have grown, people say they can tell we're sisters, however I still see it as she's the pretty one and I'm the fat one. As previously stated, my early education days were not very bright. Even though I was doing well in classes, it didn't matter - I was the "bigger girl" of the class and boys didn't like me.

Boys still don't like me! At APU, the girl to guy ratio was 3:1. How was I, the brown-haired fair skinned chubby girl going to find a guy when my competition were girls that resembled Britney and Christina in their prime?! Granted the friends I made didn't have those looks but the majority of the female population did. I felt alone again and that I had made the wrong choice going to APU. Suicide crossed my mind again but shook it off. Here I was at college, supposed to be meeting all these fabulous people, going on tons of dates, and possibly finding my future husband. Instead I felt completely isolated and hopeless. Yes I had a great roommate Sarah and Laura was very kind to me. Slowly I made friends but never amassed many that I'd call in case of emergency. Sophomore year felt like the campus was abuzz with new love but I had never felt more alone. My mom was going through cancer treatment and I was contemplating gastric bypass surgery because of all the weight I had gained due to eating to cope. Not wanting to be overlooked any longer, I started working out and I lost some weight. I started meeting guys from online and I believed that if I played the game, eventually I'd get what I wanted: a relationship. Of course that didn't pan out well; I tended to go for guys that were completely wrong for me but I thought if I was the right girl, they would realize that and change. I was oh so very wrong and I gained many lessons and pounds. This continued throughout Junior year as well. My Senior year, I lost 40lbs and it wasn't until the last day of school that guys noticed me. I dated one guy that I had radio classes with for about 6 weeks, only to be told that he wasn't wanting a relationship. He told me in the best way possible: ignoring me! Even while in shape I wasn't finding a decent guy, so what could I blame then?

Graduation came and went as well as my ability to fit into my graduation dress. It's been 5 years since I've graduated and I still have that dress in hopes of putting it on again. In the past 5 years, most of my college friends are married and have kids or contemplating kids. I, on the other hand, have none of those things in my life and I'm still going through the same internal battles. If I'm not my weight, then why can't I be confident in my intellect? Why can't I be confident in my clothes? Why can't I find a normal, sane guy to like me for more than a few months? Why can't I be accepted and not judged for not being married? Why can I say "thank you" to a compliment but not believe it?

If I were to accept that I'm not my weight, that means I'd have to reconfigure a whole new mental picture of myself. I'd have to figure out a new reason/excuse for someone not to like me, and I'm scared to find out that I may not be a very likable person due to my personality or something other than my weight. I would have no idea how to reconstruct my outlook on life if weight was no longer a daunting contender on daily basis. I wouldn't know how to even view myself, probably because I let the feedback of others influence my view instead of determining one of my own. I'm not sure I'm ready to figure out who I am without being defined by weight because I may not like what I find...or perhaps I'll see what others see when they look past my weight? I'm not sure but I'm not strong enough in mind and heart to handle that kind of challenge at this time.

They're GAP, not Apple Bottom!

Sorry for the long delay in updating my weight loss blog. I had quite a lot of events happen in the past six weeks, some good and some bad. These photos were taken on May 28th by Sandra after a night out to dinner. These are the first pair of jeans I have purchased and worn in 3 years. Some people don't understand "Why wait 3 years to wear jeans? There are many sizes available." The problem isn't the size but rather how I feel about my appearance in jeans.

If you know me and my family, then you have probably met my sister. My sister is the physical opposite of me: 5'10 1/2" and 140lbs. She has the body that can wear practically anything, especially the popular expensive jeans such as Paige Denim, 7's, and Jo Jeans. I have seen my sister struggle to find a pair of jeans that not only fit her but are long enough for her legs since the 7th grade. Thankfully they make jeans long enough. However, that shaped my views of what makes a pair of jeans work. The dreaded "Mom" jeans need to be eliminated off the market - what woman has a crotch that's over 8" long?! A flat booty is not attractive regardless of how much of a bargain they were! In my case, I have issues with how jeans are made for more...voluptuous, heavy women. Many times they put these ridiculous rhinestone patterns that make your booty look worse. If it's not on the booty, then there is some stupid drawing or pattern added to one of the pant legs, something to grab one's attention. Many times a muffin top occurs and it makes one look worse instead of better. Personally, I have issues with my legs - they are thicker than most girls, even when I'm in top form. The smallest size I've been for jeans is a size 8 and that was when I was anorexic - definitely not revisiting that size again unless I become a personal trainer or something. I do like my booty though, since I will have one regardless of how thin I become. I'm one of those girls that have curves despite how hard I work out.

When I started Weight Watchers, I definitely didn't own a pair of jeans that worked for me. Since I was used to working in dress pants due to Enterprise, I felt most comfortable in them even while at Home Depot. I had a coworker ask me why I don't wear jeans to work, and I simply told him I don't think they look right on me, not flattering in the least bit. He laughed and said he would be waiting to see me in jeans one day. That was almost a year ago. At that point, I was a size 20 and just starting WW. Now I'm almost down 40lbs with a long road ahead of me. The past month has been really challenging, with school and other personal matters distracting me from my weight loss goal. However, one day I was downtown and I wandered into The GAP. I was browsing their jeans when I came across a dark denim trouser jean. I wasn't sure if they'd fit or not, and I figured it would give me a bit of inspiration and pull my head out of my butt to refocus on what I want. They were apart of the "Curvy" collection, so I found a size 16 and went into the dressing room. Lo and behold, they fit. And not like Saran Wrap but nicely. I squatted and checked myself out in them and became really excited! I had finally reached the half way point in terms of the size I want to become.

I removed the jeans and waited to be shocked by the price. My mouth gaped open when I saw the tag: $26.99!! WHAT?! GAP jeans for $26.99?! I knew I couldn't hold back from buying them and made a beeline for the register. I left the store feeling victorious and accomplished.

Otherwise, I'm not feeling the proudest of my journey right now. I did finally track this week but only for two days. I didn't stay within my points range and chocolate is still the only thing I find appealing to my taste buds. Also, I've been drinking a lot of wine to numb the pain. Jenn said it is 13 points for a whole bottle of wine, but I tend to have only a glass or two. I've been off for almost two weeks and didn't work out more than usual, granted I've had to deal with some pretty emotional stuff. I feel heavy internally, like I have cement on my feet. I want to stay in bed all day and read or watch movies. I'm still going to my regular classes I love, but I feel distracted. The vision I see of myself at my goal is hazy and I need to figure out how to make it more clearer. I think being blindsided by a personal event has really shook me up, and I'm trying to make sense of it all. I know all's not lost but I got to get focused so I don't lose all the hard work I've done so far this year. It's almost the end of June, and I know I can lose another 20-30lbs before the end of the year. I stopped having candy on a regular basis and saw a positive shift in my mental game for weight loss. I'm going to recommit to doing so since candy is my Achilles' heal b/c I don't want to be the chubby 26 year old. My bday is less than 2 months away, and I don't want to be overweight and 28. I want 27 to be the last year I'm overweight and dang it, I'm going to do it!

Please Excuse the Minor Delay

This entry is a tad bit late for the month being it's one day before May!

April has been pretty crazy for lots of great reasons. I'm 2-3lbs away from hitting my 40lbs goal! I'm so excited to hit that and be closer to 50% accomplished.

I also did an incredible hike to Maple Falls, located within Nisene Marks. It was 11.4 miles round trip and took 5 hours. I was exhausted afterward but I will never forget it! Can't wait to go to Five Finger Falls.

Sorry not much more to say as I have a ton of studying for school to do.

Quick Comparison

^Aug 2008^
^March 2009^

I wanted this month's progress photo to be the same outfit as my first blog to see if any changes were noticeable. Personally, I can see that my waist has reduced in size as well as my chest and arms. Thankfully my boobs haven't lost much volume but the overall tone is tighter than it was. The slight change in my arms is noticeable when you look from shoulder to bicep - there's a bit less volume between my arm and side of body.

As of last meeting, I'm down 33lbs meaning I have lost almost 20lbs since making a dedication to reducing my addiction to candy goods. I haven't been the strictest lately but I do work on modifying what I chose to indulge on. I don't make a grab at anything, I really listen to what I'm craving to grab out of the candy bowl at work. Tootsie Rolls are the bomb btw :)

In other news Jonathan, Moshe, and Hakeem all complimented me in my weight loss; Jonathan being the most adamant about how good I look. Afton also complimented me the other day as well, but he's just a flirt. I also had a woman in my Zumba class that told me she noticed that I am shaping up nicely, and wanted to know if all I was doing for activity was Zumba. I let her know that I mainly do Zumba and kickboxing so it definitely plays a big roll in my weight loss.

I'm off to do homework....ciao for now!

Mid-Month Update

I figured updating this more than once of month was beneficial to my progress. I'm very excited to report that I hit my goal of losing 25lbs two weeks ago, and this past Tuesday I accomplished reaching and exceeding my 10% lost goal! I'm down 27.4lbs and I do feel much better about myself. Granted I haven't been perfect on my "no sugar" aka candy, but I have made huge strides in limiting myself or removing myself all together from tempting situations.

I decided to take some pics of myself this past weekend to chronicle my progress. I took all of these pictures, and you can't see my face in any of them!





Onto losing 30lbs!

The New Year

Ice Skating in San Jose 12.31.08

It's 2009 and I'm finally updating my weight loss blog. Things were challenging over the holidays, I won't lie. Instead of my Tuesday night free for all lasting only on Tuesday, it would start bleeding over into Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday! Terrible, I know. With the New Year around the corner, I started dissecting what it was that caused this to happen. Many times on Tuesday nights, I wasn't sure what sweet thing I wanted to indulge on, so I'd buy two or three things. I'd binge on one of them, leaving the others to be available at another time. I know I had the option of hiding them away until next Tuesday but that's just not an option for me. I have no self control when it comes to candy and cookies, absolutely ZERO! I started reviewing what triggered this binge and it usually starts out with a small taste of the substance. Then I want to keep on getting those same sensations in my mouth and I go back for more....and more. To the point where I feel sick.

On New Year's Eve with Sandra, I declared that I'd limit my sweet temptation only to Tuesday night and there could only be one option. The rest of the week I would stay away from cookies and candy so Tuesday would really feel like a treat. I've done really well in keeping this and have felt dramatically better about myself. I don't crave it as much and when Tuesday comes, I really think about what I want for my treat that night instead of grabbing anything and everything! This past week I did slip up a bit by having some crackers Wednesday night, ice cream on Thursday night, and wine & cheese on Friday night! I knew that these choices would have consenquences and I didn't pretend that I had "no other option" than to make those choices. To counteract that, I've been maintaining my tracking and increasing my fitness efforts. On Thursday, I did kickboxing, abs, and 35 minutes of Zumba. I was so exhausted from kickboxing but pushed myself to do Zumba. On Friday, I did 30 minutes of the PreCore then spent the rest of the day with my sister, helping her out around her new place. Saturday I didn't get up in time and Sunday I did Zumba before work. Today I had a short work out - 15 minutes on the PreCore and 15 minutes of weights. I feel pretty good and I still have to go to work as well, so that helps.

I've made the decision that this is the last year I'm going to be overweight. I'm 26 years old and I've been dealing with this since I was 8 - nothing is going to change that except me. I know I can do this - I've done it in the past. However, losing weight isn't the magical cure to my life but I know it will affect the way I feel about myself, in my own skin. I don't want to be told "you have a pretty face" for the rest of my life; I want to know that all of me is pretty! I want to be able to wear certain fashions and rock it with confidence. I want to wear shorts and not worry about my legs jiggling. I can reach all of those goals and I will. I will be the priority of my life and I'm the only one accountable to that :)

December already?!

Here's the monthly pic. Not too much has changed but I feel stronger. I feel my endurance is building up more. My main focus right now is to get back to tracking. Mentally tracking allows there to be error and I feel that is my main hinderance right now other than maintaining control. I did pretty well at Thanksgiving - lost a lb actually! So my goal is to reach my 10% before the new year arrives. I feel that once I get there, I will have more motivation to keep going. Well looking in the mirror is motivation too :) Oh, got a new hair cut!