On Tuesday I went to my regular meeting and had a small weight loss - yay! At the beginning of the meeting, Jenn started talking about reactions she sees at the scale after weigh in's. She highlighted one member, that was also a coworker, that stood out in her mind because of how dramatically her mood would shift after getting off the scale. After a weight in that resulted in a gain, the member was noticeably upset and Jenn told her "you are not your weight". Annoyed by Jenn's statement, the member walked away in a huff to the rest room. While she was away, Jenn tore up pieces of paper and wrote down the saying on them. Then Jenn would deliver them to the member throughout that meeting, making the person more and more annoyed!
In turn, Jenn asked my meeting about our initial reactions to hearing "you are not your weight". A few members spoke up of their feelings but I didn't contribute anything of personal reactions. I wrote down the saying on my tracker, not wanting to put it on the shelf and get back to it at another time. Despite all my studying for microbiology, I couldn't stop thinking about that phrase: "you are not your weight".
My initial reaction was anger. What do you mean I'm not my weight?! My ENTIRE life thus so far has been ALL about weight! From the moment I was teased in kidnergarten by a fellow kid, I knew I was different from other kids, not because I was a girl but I was a "bigger girl" in the class. I didn't matter that I caught onto the alphabet quickly or had won a ribbon for being an excellent colorer. I was the "big" shy girl that was teased incessantly and it never let up.
As I got older, the more hurtful the comments became. I hardly had any friends because I was too shy to open my mouth and speak. When I did react to someone teasing me, I usually acted out physically, trying to hurt them so they could feel pain. Junior High was the most humiliating time of my life. In the 7th grade, all my friends ditched me because they didn't want to be associated with me. I escaped to the library at lunch as to not draw attention of others, being a loner in the hallways. Boys were so cruel to me, one in particular (he apologized for all his hurtful comments, and strangely we are now friends). In the 8th grade, Jimmy Fox was unbearably mean and never let me forget that I was fat. Is it any wonder to people that I wanted to die at age 12 and contemplated suicide?! No friends and fat = total outcast.
High school came and being in a new environment helped in that I could make friends who didn't know about my past. However, my weight fluctuated and by the end of freshman year, I was at the biggest I'd been at that point. During that summer while returning from a softball tournament, I experimented with not eating for a whole day and chewing a total of three pieces of gum for a grand total of 15 calories. By the time I went to bed, I felt I had made a huge achievement. The next morning wasn't pretty. In fact I was so light headed that when I got out of bed, I fell into my closet. Later I went down to the hot tub only to pass out into a planter box. My mom had no clue at the time what was going on. Soon volleyball double days started up and I was too tired to even think about eating. I lost weight and got so much positive feedback from friends and family, that I continued my food restriction. In less than two weeks, I had become anorexic - consuming about 3 apples a day, a fistful of pretzels, and gallons of diet soda. I was cold all the time, I could see my muscles through my clothes, and I had stopped getting my period. It didn't matter though - my health wasn't as important as wanting a guy to like me and accept me. This lasted for about 4 months and I nearly lost my best friend Larissa because of my behavior.
Obviously I'm not anorexic anymore but the cycle hasn't stopped. The constant fluctuantions of my weight has landed me to where I am now.
The second thing I felt was frustration. If I'm not my weight, then what am I? My weight has been my go-to reason for not having a lot of friends, not having many relationships, not having cute clothes, having zero self esteem and confidence. My weight has been the very source of so much pain and confusion of who I am as a person. Being the "heavier" one in my family, people are shocked to find out that I have parents in decent shape and a sister that has the body of a model. As kids, people did a double take at my sister and I, unable to process how we could possibly be related. As we have grown, people say they can tell we're sisters, however I still see it as she's the pretty one and I'm the fat one. As previously stated, my early education days were not very bright. Even though I was doing well in classes, it didn't matter - I was the "bigger girl" of the class and boys didn't like me.
Boys still don't like me! At APU, the girl to guy ratio was 3:1. How was I, the brown-haired fair skinned chubby girl going to find a guy when my competition were girls that resembled Britney and Christina in their prime?! Granted the friends I made didn't have those looks but the majority of the female population did. I felt alone again and that I had made the wrong choice going to APU. Suicide crossed my mind again but shook it off. Here I was at college, supposed to be meeting all these fabulous people, going on tons of dates, and possibly finding my future husband. Instead I felt completely isolated and hopeless. Yes I had a great roommate Sarah and Laura was very kind to me. Slowly I made friends but never amassed many that I'd call in case of emergency. Sophomore year felt like the campus was abuzz with new love but I had never felt more alone. My mom was going through cancer treatment and I was contemplating gastric bypass surgery because of all the weight I had gained due to eating to cope. Not wanting to be overlooked any longer, I started working out and I lost some weight. I started meeting guys from online and I believed that if I played the game, eventually I'd get what I wanted: a relationship. Of course that didn't pan out well; I tended to go for guys that were completely wrong for me but I thought if I was the right girl, they would realize that and change. I was oh so very wrong and I gained many lessons and pounds. This continued throughout Junior year as well. My Senior year, I lost 40lbs and it wasn't until the last day of school that guys noticed me. I dated one guy that I had radio classes with for about 6 weeks, only to be told that he wasn't wanting a relationship. He told me in the best way possible: ignoring me! Even while in shape I wasn't finding a decent guy, so what could I blame then?
Graduation came and went as well as my ability to fit into my graduation dress. It's been 5 years since I've graduated and I still have that dress in hopes of putting it on again. In the past 5 years, most of my college friends are married and have kids or contemplating kids. I, on the other hand, have none of those things in my life and I'm still going through the same internal battles. If I'm not my weight, then why can't I be confident in my intellect? Why can't I be confident in my clothes? Why can't I find a normal, sane guy to like me for more than a few months? Why can't I be accepted and not judged for not being married? Why can I say "thank you" to a compliment but not believe it?
If I were to accept that I'm not my weight, that means I'd have to reconfigure a whole new mental picture of myself. I'd have to figure out a new reason/excuse for someone not to like me, and I'm scared to find out that I may not be a very likable person due to my personality or something other than my weight. I would have no idea how to reconstruct my outlook on life if weight was no longer a daunting contender on daily basis. I wouldn't know how to even view myself, probably because I let the feedback of others influence my view instead of determining one of my own. I'm not sure I'm ready to figure out who I am without being defined by weight because I may not like what I find...or perhaps I'll see what others see when they look past my weight? I'm not sure but I'm not strong enough in mind and heart to handle that kind of challenge at this time.
