True Love for the Thin & Beautiful Only?

Hey everyone! The above image is a secret that was submitted to Post Secret. For those who do not know what Post Secret is, it is a project started by a gentleman who wanted a space for people to disclose something they were too scared, shameful, embarrassed, or stressed to share. The requirement: it must fit on the size of a standard postcard. Their website is updated every Sunday at midnight EST with new secrets, sometimes jiving with the holiday/national observation of that week (i.e. Labor Day will have many people complaining/praising/wishing about their current place of employment or where they want to be career-wise).

The secret above was submitted about a month again and at first, I grazed over it because I believed I didn't think that way anymore. However, I couldn't ignore that voice in my head that deep down, I do believe what that secret states. I've believed that secret since I was a child and it was reinstated in my world via media and family. If you didn't know, I have a fantastic sister and I'm so thankful to have such a person in my life - she is my very best friend and I couldn't function without her in my life. My sister and I are completely different in terms of body types - she is 5'10 1/2" and thin and I'm 5'6" and thick. At young ages we were taught to believe that because of our looks, our lives would have certain paths - she would get married and have children, and I would graduate college and make lots of money. Not until we were older did we realize how warped our views were and how looks had nothing to do with our accomplishments.

Growing up, we both went through a lot of painful teasing or what is called "bullying" now. While I may have received more brutal attacks, the pain they inflicted is very real to the both of us. What I couldn't fathom is why people would make fun of the one person I had wanted to be for so long? My sister was the "normal" one and I was the 6th grader going on a diet called The Healthy Way , which was a program to convert me to a vegetarian with glucose supplement pills! As I grew older, I found Weight Watchers which has shown to be the best program for me to lose weight.

Anyway, I didn't believe true love came to those who are more rotund than the status quo; I mean why would it? Why would a guy fall in love with me when there are so many other girls, girl who have decent bodies? Granted there are a lot of girls who are Butter faces but they still stand a greater chance with a guy than myself! Now I know I can hear some people saying, "It's your confidence, not your looks that will make you more attractive!". That could be true but even the improvement of my confidence hasn't proven to make someone be interested in me beyond a few weeks. And I'm also well aware that the quality of guys in my area is definitely low; most of them treat women like garbage and are stuck in the "Peter Pan" mind set ("I'm never gonna grow up!"). And I know I deserve true love and I'm worthy of it; I'm beyond frustrated that I haven't experienced it with someone else and at 29, I can't help but think it's my fault since I haven't made myself the most physically attractive as I could be. I'll make witty banter, be flirty, and catch someone's attention with my eyes but it isn't enough to entice a guy to find out more. I heard someone say she had to use her mind in order to attract a guy, but I think every girl does that in some way *after* the initial physical attraction.

My point: when I reach my goal weight and perhaps I don't find true love, does that make me a failure? I say it is a failure if I don't love myself exactly as I am at this point. I'm learning more about myself every day and learning to love yourself after despising yourself for so long is a tough thing to do. Yet I'm determined to do it and I'm not perfect - I have plenty of moments of insecurity and I've done much better not to dwell on in it. The better I love myself, the more clarity I will have in how I want to be loved by someone and know that I won't tolerate being treated less than that. 

Here's to personal growth and self-love....

Ciao!

Not a Losing Battle!

Hey everyone! Sorry for the lack of updating; it's been a busy time plus with the untimely malfunction of my lappy needing a repair that took at MONTH, I'm happy to be back here.

My birthday came and went, which was a fun time! I went out to the Yard House with Sandra the day before my bday. It was pretty good and got a free chocolate souffle for dessert! On my actual birthday my sister took me to Jazz on the Plaz in Los Gatos. It was definitely an older scene but very entertaining for people watching. Something like that could never exist in Santa Cruz because a drum circle would form somewhere! People brought tables, bottles of wine, cheese and meat plates and enjoyed the music. My sister bought a bottle of SkinnyGirl margarita, crackers, and Laughing Cow cheese. We sat on a blanket and surveyed the antics of others. Before we knew it, the bottle was practically empty! Soon my mom joined up with us and we went to Willow Street Cafe for dinner. Afterward we went to a few places and lots of drinking, dancing, and drive thru bargaining occurred :D

What I want to discuss here is how I did not reach my 40lbs goal by my bday, but I am awfully close to 30. Now I could beat myself up, drown myself in negative talk, and end up where I was a few months ago. However, I'm quite proud to be close to 30lbs lost and I know it's my fault for not reaching 40. BUT that doesn't mean I can't get to that goal ever!! The month of not having my lappy really sucked; I'm doing Weight Watchers ONLINE...a little rough to track without having my tracker accessible! The good news: I gained 1.5lbs in that time. How is that good news, you wonder? Well I could have gained much more without having a legit system of tracking my intake. I stuck to foods that I knew the Points values for so I knew I was in the ball park but not perfect. Also I learned that working out on a regular basis is necessary for my *mental* health. No longer is it a requirement for speeding up my weight loss but plays a huge role in my confidence and sanity!

So guess what my goal is....TRACKING!! It is the ultimate key to weight loss; to hit my Points goal while eating nutritious food, not calorie-dense items. I won't deny that I've been the reason I've plateaued but I can be the reason it changes! I'm determined to bust through this mental road block to obtain more success by pushing myself to track and even pre-track meals so I stick to plan instead of making choices on the fly.

On a separate note, my sister bought me not 1 but 2 pairs of jeans for my bday presents :) Never thought I'd see the day I'd want JEANS as a gift! 

Alright, here are some progress photos I've taken:

At the Angels & Demons Party August 5th

Helping my mom move, I took advantage of the full length mirror - August 11th

Full frontal in full length mirror - August 11th

New jeans booty shot! September-ish

Ciao for now!

Progress Photos

Hey everyone! Here are TWO updated progress pictures of me, taken by my sister on Wednesday June 28 in the afternoon....

Feedback, not Failure

Hello blog land! Happy Friday to everyone, hope you're all doing well. I can't believe it's June already, half a year down. Which means my birthday is just a couple months away and I'm not really excited to be 29. It feels like a looming deadline of getting my life in order before turning the Dirty 30. Moving on....!

I've been doing pretty well on Weight Watchers Online, dropping 22 lbs as of today! At the beginning of the program I was losing 3-5 pounds each week and now it has leveled off. To be honest, I didn't believe this week would amount to anything. I didn't track, I didn't work out (first time in months that I didn't make it to the gym the whole week), and was distracted by other aspects of life. This morning I got my result of a loss of 0.1lbs. You can lose that by going to the bathroom, so instead of dwelling on what I didn't lose, I'm focusing on what I *gained* this week.

- Emotional eating: I'm triggered by stress and anxiety. I had my final and distracted myself from studying by eating. What did that get me: a really bloated tummy, feelings of disgust and defeat.
- Events: I saw Usher on Memorial Day Weekend with my sister. I enjoyed beer, alcohol, and fried food without feeling guilty. However my body didn't feel very good; it's possible it contributed to my lack of energy and motivation to get to the gym. Watching Akon and Usher jump around on stage, well....that was motivation to keep on keepin on! I think they do their Perfect Push ups back stage :)
-Activity: I missed all of my favorite classes this week, resulting in feeling lethargic and jiggly. Even at work when I lift the 5 gallon paint buckets, I don't feel as strong.
- Choices: not all of my choices were bad per se, but I felt out of control since I didn't plan and didn't measure portions. Lesson learned: failing to plan is planning to fail!

So what does this mean for this new week? It means action, putting what I learned to use, and keeping my eyes on the prize. Each night I will pack my lunch for work, setting myself up for success and feeling in control of my choices. Monday night I will be going to U-Jam for the first time in a month (yay!), kicking off my return to activity.

For the past two years, I have mentioned in this blog how I don't want to be dealing with my weight by the time I'm 30. I want to be maintaining my health and figure, and stop having it define my outlook on life. I have decided that I want to lose 40lbs total by my birthday. It's a clear, defined goal that isn't too short or long and obtainable. By doing this, I will achieve many milestones that I haven't reached in a long time and I'm really excited to get there. I will get there one day, one week at a time...

Restart

Hey everyone! Hope you're all doing well. It's been awhile since my last update and I have an announcement to make....

I joined Weight Watchers online! Besides Jennifer Hudson's amazing transformation, I follow another blog called Bitch Cakes: A Neurotic Glamour Girl's Weight Watchers Experience and Fitness Adventures. I've been following this blog since I *last* followed WW and adored it from the start. Her entries regarding the emotional and mental aspects of weight loss are so relateable to my own struggles and inner demons. She doesn't hold back in her struggles, feelings, insights, and achievements. She's her best cheerleader, advocate, and #1 critic wrapped up in one. Also she has AMAZING style and is very active with her followers. She has met countless followers in the flesh, will possibly be in the Weight Watchers magazine, and charts her activity into spread sheets. She's incredible and if I ever get a chance to get to NYC again, I'd love to meet her.

So why did I join WW the online version? Well it started when I noticed I wasn't feeling right, not feeling comfortable, not confident even when hair and make up were done, and tired of not being noticed. Not that I want men to fall over looking at me but at least not avoid approaching me. I'd been talking about it for a couple weeks with my sister about how my eating felt out of line with my goal. Then last Friday April 8th I took a brave step and saw what I weighed.....and that was that. I went to work came home and signed up for WW online. Why online version and not the meetings? To be honest, I can't believe that I will find another leader like my last, Jenn. Jenn made meetings feel "safe" in the sense that the logical answer wasn't the only acceptable answer to situations. She had a way to take a "weight loss" issue and relate it to life over all. Remember this blog where I really let it out?  Jenn brought up this concept and I can remember it clear as day. I'm so thankful that our paths crossed and sad she will be out of the area. But I know she's always in Santa Cruz in spirit :)

I have really enjoyed the new PointsPlus program. Basically the plan is emphasizing real food and not processed food. I have felt pretty satisfied and have gotten creative with ground turkey. My favorite thing I have created is what I call a Spicy & Tangy Turkey Burger. Here's what it is:
- 1 Trader Joe's Honey Wheat hamburger bun
- 4oz of  ground turkey, 97% fat free
- mixed greens
- balsamic vinegar 1/2 tsp
- Tapatio
- A 1 sauce
- Tomato slices
- garlic, small clove

Dice up garlic and add to turkey meat in a small bowl. Add as much Tapatio as you want to make your burger spicy and mix well. Roll turkey meat into a ball and pound it out to a burger. Place on George Forman and warm buns in above compartment (if you have that model). While it cooks, place mixed greens in a cup and add a dash of balsamic vinegar and toss gently. Slice up tomatoes and set aside. Remove bun from warmer, add Tapatio to top portion of bun and then A 1 sauce. Use a spoon to blend together. Put mixed greens on bottom portion of bun, add turkey patty, tomato slices, and bun top. It's sooo good and it's 9 points. I made this for dinner and was full the rest of the night :)

I'm off to bed after doing Cardio X training and Zumba tonight with Carlie. She has become my workout buddy and we motivate each other to get to the gym!

Good night all!

The Real Me

Hey everyone! Hope this finds you doing well and not sick. There is the nastiest sinus infection virus going around and it has plagued me for about a month now. This has definitely affected my energy level to even consider getting to the gym on the regular. Today was the first day in a long time where I didn't have to take DayQuil to survive. To celebrate, I hit the gym hard! I did 30 minutes on the PreCore, 15 minutes of weights working my arms, 9 minutes on the treadmill doing intervals (my calves started to cramp!), abs, and some stretching. In total - an hour and 15 minutes. The bonus: Dimitrius was there :) Ahhhh if he could arrange to be there every time I go to the gym, I'd reaaaaalllly would appreciate it. Talk about some motivation besides my reflection :P I felt really good afterward and the night before, I had packed up my work food: 2 organic apples, a snack pack of raw almonds from Trader Joe's, half of a cheesy kaiser roll, about 1 1/2 c of cheese tortellini with pesto sauce (not drenched), and a salad consisting of butter lettuce, tomato, boiled egg, avocado, red wine vinegar, and extra virgin olive oil. I felt more conscious of what I was eating other than just picking whatever "sounded good" to eat. I felt pretty satisfied as well.

In regards to following Jackie Warner's plan, I did the 2 weeks of introducing her preferred foods into my diet but being sick definitely didn't help. Eating oatmeal doesn't sound appetizing when your nose is running down your face and you feel that a nail is being struck through your forehead. However, I did get lots of fruit and veggies added to my diet as well as tried whey protein shakes (yuck). I wasn't able to do everything she asked because frankly, it's expensive and I'm trying to get my credit card debt down! Jackie's plan includes a bunch of stuff from GNC (branched amino acid supplements, creatin, etc.) and I don't really agree with them after taking nutrition and finding out that with the correct diet, you don't need to be taking supplements of that nature. I am taking a multivitamin and Omega 3 supplements as I do know I don't get a whole lot of protein or other healthy fats besides EVOO into my daily routine. The worst part was I forgot the book at my sister's for the past two weeks due to being so exhausted and not grabbing it out of her room. This week I will remember because I want to start using Jackie's work out plans. I'm really excited to do weight training - does that sound odd?!

This weekend I purged a lot of crap out of my room while watching Season 4 of Sex and the City, my fave season. There's an episode called "The Real Me" and it's my absolute favorite. If you're not familiar I suggest you try to find it on Hulu or On Demand. The story line for Carrie is she gets invited to do a fashion show with D&G and people tell her she's the "modelest of the real people". Throughout the whole experience, up to the minute before the runway, Carrie is questioning how real she is, and all people keep telling her is "you're a model". She starts to believe her own hype until she gets on the runway and gets hit with a slap of reality (gotta watch that scene - priceless!). Tonight at the gym, I thought about the "real" me. I have my own perception of myself only to be obscured by what others think of me, both positive and negative. Of course I dwell on the negative and that is a part of what motivates to me to work out right now (besides the sight of my legs looking...different that usual). The parts that people tell me that I agree with are:
 - smart
-  funny
-  considerate
-  loyal

The ones I disagree with all have to do with my looks. I think I look cute occasionally but not gorgeous, pretty, stunning. I don't see that and maybe that's due to how uncomfortable I am in my own skin right now. I know my heart and I know the fears that surround it. A big fear is turning 30 and dealing with the same crap I've been dealing with since I was 6. Isn't that enough suffering to make a change? One night while driving over to my sister's, I had some shocking revelations due to a coworker that overheard me talking down about myself. He asked me if I had always been "this way" and I said, "No I've had my moments of looking great but only one of those times I was healthy. Anorexia doesn't count! You wouldn't believe how good I can look." And moments later, I realized that can be me *now*. It's been almost 7 years since I graduated college and looked and felt the most amazing I have ever been in my life so far. I still have that dress hanging in my closet because of the strong emotional connection I have with it. It's beautiful and I remember feeling beautiful in it and being able to show off my hard work, as well as show a guy who had dumped me how hot I was and he couldn't have me! I achieved a goal I had set 9 months and obtain a BA - who wouldn't feel fabulous?!

The other realization that sunk into my head was that I will have to work on my weight and my diet my whole life, despite how much I detest it. I have accepted that I can't lose 40 lbs and go back to eating countless Oreos

Alright, I'm off to bed. I'm hoping to make it to the gym before class but if not, there's Zumba at 7p :) Ciao!

Naked

Hello friends! It's been a long, long, loooooong time since I've last updated this blog. Well over a year in fact. 2010 was a hell of a year, emphasis on the HELL part. After surviving a relationship that pretty much destroyed my self-confidence, I was able to look at the small yet big accomplishments I made that year in regards to my weight. For the first time in a long time, I maintained my weight loss I achieved through Weight Watchers! Granted I didn't lose anymore (except the post break up weight loss which doesn't count since that was anxiety and sadness induced) but I didn't gain either. I went through spurts of really active weeks at the gym where I'd do 5 days in a row followed by weeks of going once or twice for Zumba classes. My ex really messed with my head in terms of my body image - one minute he was fine with it, the next minute he was making me feel like the ugliest person he'd ever seen. It wasn't fair especially since my body didn't change in a negative way from when he met me. ANYWAY...

I have worked on a lot of the emotional hurt of that relationship but the wounds to my self-esteem and confidence are still on the mend. Granted my weight is my #1 insecurity - the first thing people put me down for the, the first thing I'm judged for, the way my intelligence is measured (smart people aren't fat, duh!). In the past two weeks, I have noticed that I'm consuming candy like I'm never going to eat it again. Buying a bag of Reese's mini peanut butter cups and demolishing them all in a sitting. I've also withdrawn from my family and friends, which isn't usually my deal. I think I may be slightly depressed but I'm not sure. I can't figure it out myself.

In order to gain control of my eating and to get out of my sugar-induced frenzy, I'm reading Jackie Warner's "This is Why You're Fat" which eliminates most processed sugar from the diet and incorporates a rotating fitness regime. I haven't gotten into the part of the book where it discusses the actual plan other than for 5 days I'm on plan, and for 2 days I get to "cheat" up to 750 calories. I want to give this plan a true shot because it's different from WW but emphasizes the same goal of balanced eating and optimal health achieved. At work I had a moment to write down why I wanted to lose weight, and this is what I wrote:

- Establish self-control
- No grounds/reason for physical rejection from men
- Able to shop/find clothes easier
- Be more confident
- Stronger
- Healthier
- More endurance
- Feel better naked
- Look better naked
- Look better clothed

Now the last three might make some people uncomfortable reading but come on ladies! We all get naked every day to shower (I hope) and pass up a mirror or two that shows us what we don't always "see". I avoid mirrors like the plague when I'm even changing, and when I do look, I cringe at what I see. Sometimes I can see what my ex didn't like about me, and at other times I'm thankful that my boobs are perky! haha I try to find one positive thing to say about myself while all the other negative thoughts circulate my mind. Sometimes I don't even recognize my own face or arms, like why do my cheeks look puffy and my arms have...cellulite?! What happened to my strong arms that could launch a softball down to second base or swing at a volleyball for a fierce serve?

With that, I'm excited to give Jackie's program a true shot. Like anything, it will require focus, preparation, and dedication. It's not going to be easy but I bet it will be easier than anything I went through with that jackass in 2010. Here's to my potential hotness!