The secret above was submitted about a month again and at first, I grazed over it because I believed I didn't think that way anymore. However, I couldn't ignore that voice in my head that deep down, I do believe what that secret states. I've believed that secret since I was a child and it was reinstated in my world via media and family. If you didn't know, I have a fantastic sister and I'm so thankful to have such a person in my life - she is my very best friend and I couldn't function without her in my life. My sister and I are completely different in terms of body types - she is 5'10 1/2" and thin and I'm 5'6" and thick. At young ages we were taught to believe that because of our looks, our lives would have certain paths - she would get married and have children, and I would graduate college and make lots of money. Not until we were older did we realize how warped our views were and how looks had nothing to do with our accomplishments.
Growing up, we both went through a lot of painful teasing or what is called "bullying" now. While I may have received more brutal attacks, the pain they inflicted is very real to the both of us. What I couldn't fathom is why people would make fun of the one person I had wanted to be for so long? My sister was the "normal" one and I was the 6th grader going on a diet called The Healthy Way , which was a program to convert me to a vegetarian with glucose supplement pills! As I grew older, I found Weight Watchers which has shown to be the best program for me to lose weight.
Anyway, I didn't believe true love came to those who are more rotund than the status quo; I mean why would it? Why would a guy fall in love with me when there are so many other girls, girl who have decent bodies? Granted there are a lot of girls who are Butter faces but they still stand a greater chance with a guy than myself! Now I know I can hear some people saying, "It's your confidence, not your looks that will make you more attractive!". That could be true but even the improvement of my confidence hasn't proven to make someone be interested in me beyond a few weeks. And I'm also well aware that the quality of guys in my area is definitely low; most of them treat women like garbage and are stuck in the "Peter Pan" mind set ("I'm never gonna grow up!"). And I know I deserve true love and I'm worthy of it; I'm beyond frustrated that I haven't experienced it with someone else and at 29, I can't help but think it's my fault since I haven't made myself the most physically attractive as I could be. I'll make witty banter, be flirty, and catch someone's attention with my eyes but it isn't enough to entice a guy to find out more. I heard someone say she had to use her mind in order to attract a guy, but I think every girl does that in some way *after* the initial physical attraction.
My point: when I reach my goal weight and perhaps I don't find true love, does that make me a failure? I say it is a failure if I don't love myself exactly as I am at this point. I'm learning more about myself every day and learning to love yourself after despising yourself for so long is a tough thing to do. Yet I'm determined to do it and I'm not perfect - I have plenty of moments of insecurity and I've done much better not to dwell on in it. The better I love myself, the more clarity I will have in how I want to be loved by someone and know that I won't tolerate being treated less than that.
Here's to personal growth and self-love....
Ciao!
