Recently I attended a wedding that made me catch feelings, as the hipsters would describe actually feeling STUFF. I've had some of these thoughts run through my mind more than once and I need to get them out! I'm sure some of these will make readers uncomfortable, think I'm oversharing/TMI but this blog is for me to grow and share my thoughts.
Brace yourself, grab a glass of wine, whatever you need to get comfortable....
Why do I, Ashleigh, want to lose weight? Well....
-....I want to feel good in clothes again
-....I don't want to stand out and shop at Lane Bryant exclusively
-....I want to feel good naked
-....I don't want my belly rubbing on my boyfriend during sex
-....I don't want my jeans to leave blazing red marks on my stomach...and stay there for hours even when I've removed my jeans
-....I want to be more confident during sex
-....I don't want to feel ackward during sex or think, "Gosh I can't do this position because of my FUPA"
-....I want to see my pubic area WITHOUT having to lift my FUPA
-....I want to be able to shave my privates without having to stratagize how to hold my rolls back and not cut
myself
-....I want to feel sexy with or without clothes on
-....I'm scared I won't be hired because of my weight
-....I want people to notice ME, not my weight/shape
-....I want to be "normal" looking in that my weight neither affects or defects the quality of my life
-....I want to see my nephews grow up, to be active in their lives for a long time
-....I don't want people to see me eating and think, "She shouldn't be eating that."
-....I want to walk in heels without thinking I'm going to roll an ankle because too much weight is being
carried on 4"
-....I want to travel and be physically able to endure my adventures
-....I want to be healthy for me, mentally and physically.
-....I want to MOVE ON from this constant issue
-....I want to experience the wonder that is MAINTAINING MY WEIGHT, and not being a yo-yo.
-....I don't want to experience chaffing caused by too tight of pants and no room to breathe
-....I want to wear a form fitting shirt and not wonder if everything is spilling out
-....I want to enjoy life to the fullest, and I can't do that when I'm unable to move past the mental road block
I've had for years.
-....I want to wear hot lingerie such as corsets, stockings, garter belts....that stuff is amazing and feminine
Yes a lot of these revolve around sex because I'm finally having sex after 5 years of waiting for the right guy. Despite having a fabulous, understanding man in my life that loves me, I still cannot move past the awful experiences I've endured. Never has my boyfriend made me feel inadequate sexually but
I have done so to myself by believing I have let him down by not being physically attractive enough. He has NEVER said that, and he constantly loves touching me and being affectionate. It is my own issues that cause this internal anxiety. I shall begin therapy once I have established a reliable income....till next time!
Ciaoses!
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
On Top, Bottom, and Everywhere Between
I can't believe it has been over a year since my last posting. Well actually I can because I haven't had much time to relax as I entered my final year of the hygiene program and graduated this past Spring. I am so relieved to be graduated and licensed. Tomorrow I have my very first day in a real office in San Jose. I'm temping for two days this week and next week, so I'm pretty excited to be paid for what I'm trained in!
Upon completing this crazy ride, my weight has flucuated greatly. Last year at this time I had lost a substantial amount of weight in the Fall by sticking with a very strict schedule of working out and packing my lunches for clinic days. In fact some clinic days were so nutty, I didn't get a chance to eat. However, I stuck with working out consistently and lost weight and inches. Many people noticed especially Jessica's sister who had seen me one time in the Spring, and returned in the fall to finish treatment only to be surprised by my weight loss. I think it was in the neighborhood of 20-25lbs, I'm not positive. I know my scrubs fitted well and I didn't feel disgusting anymore.
Then around the end of October, I had some really trying times in which my dad almost died, I got into a car accident, and then had to find a new place to live. Thank God everything worked out beautifully in all situations, but the heaviest part was almost losing my dad. The emotional roller coaster of his recovery, treatment, and eventual discharge was awful. This was the beginning of my fitness downfall as I focused on him, being emotionally stable for myself as well as helping my mom the best I do. I put myself on the back burner mentally and the weight started to creep up.
By the time the final semester was about to start, I could feel my scrubs getting snug and got back to business. However, the stress of studying and taking multiple licensing exams as well as finding the right patients to complete clinic requirements was exhausting. Despite having Fridays off from school, I never felt that I had a day of just nothing to do until the last week before graduation. Also adding to the mix of fun was the beginning of a romantic relationship with Enrique, my current boyfriend. He is so incredibly supportive, sweet, caring, and silly and I'm so thankful to God that he entered my life. Like most new couples, we went out to eat A LOT plus add in all the chemical/emotional upswings, and my weight went up up up. I went to the gym...once a week. I wanted to see him whenever possible, especially since he works overnight shifts.
When graduation rolled around, I hadn't accomplished my goal of losing weight at all. I did in fact gain weight and exceeded my former highest weight. By 10 pounds. I was devastated and I have had this internal conversation with myself that has been fairly healthy, not too self destructive. With my new RDH license in hand, I am now on the hunt to find the right office for me to be my dental home. And that meant the fear of rejection which triggered memories of failing when I graduated with my BA. I became obsessed with having the perfect resume and cover letter, and I became paralyzed with anxiety and fear. This did nothing for my waist line except expand it.
Which brings me to my current state of working very hard to follow Weight Watchers. Not once have I stopped my monthly membership and I have not followed WW for one month in a long time. Yesterday I started my "mental reboot" of accomplishing goals one at a time. For example, I didn't eat any pastries that were brought into the break room; they looked absolutely nasty. I didn't buy anything out of the vending machines. I was content with what I had. After work, I went to the gym and worked out very hard. I did the same thing today and feel great....and sleepy.
Bottom line is I can do this and the only deadline I'm giving myself is the end of the each day. Aim to finish strong by following healthy behaviors such as tracking and working out, and acknowledging when I'm sliding off the path a bit instead of ignoring it. I have had the same conversations for YEARS - I need to lose weight, PERIOD. No amount of magic shakes or pills will help me but determination and commitment to following WW will yield the results I crave. Plus my incredibly supportive boyfriend who gives me encouragement and positive words helps a lot :)
Starting Stats
- Weight: 274.4
- Height: 5'6.5"
- Size: 18/20, currently forcing myself into a size 16 jeans.
- Mental State: determined
Upon completing this crazy ride, my weight has flucuated greatly. Last year at this time I had lost a substantial amount of weight in the Fall by sticking with a very strict schedule of working out and packing my lunches for clinic days. In fact some clinic days were so nutty, I didn't get a chance to eat. However, I stuck with working out consistently and lost weight and inches. Many people noticed especially Jessica's sister who had seen me one time in the Spring, and returned in the fall to finish treatment only to be surprised by my weight loss. I think it was in the neighborhood of 20-25lbs, I'm not positive. I know my scrubs fitted well and I didn't feel disgusting anymore.
Then around the end of October, I had some really trying times in which my dad almost died, I got into a car accident, and then had to find a new place to live. Thank God everything worked out beautifully in all situations, but the heaviest part was almost losing my dad. The emotional roller coaster of his recovery, treatment, and eventual discharge was awful. This was the beginning of my fitness downfall as I focused on him, being emotionally stable for myself as well as helping my mom the best I do. I put myself on the back burner mentally and the weight started to creep up.
By the time the final semester was about to start, I could feel my scrubs getting snug and got back to business. However, the stress of studying and taking multiple licensing exams as well as finding the right patients to complete clinic requirements was exhausting. Despite having Fridays off from school, I never felt that I had a day of just nothing to do until the last week before graduation. Also adding to the mix of fun was the beginning of a romantic relationship with Enrique, my current boyfriend. He is so incredibly supportive, sweet, caring, and silly and I'm so thankful to God that he entered my life. Like most new couples, we went out to eat A LOT plus add in all the chemical/emotional upswings, and my weight went up up up. I went to the gym...once a week. I wanted to see him whenever possible, especially since he works overnight shifts.
When graduation rolled around, I hadn't accomplished my goal of losing weight at all. I did in fact gain weight and exceeded my former highest weight. By 10 pounds. I was devastated and I have had this internal conversation with myself that has been fairly healthy, not too self destructive. With my new RDH license in hand, I am now on the hunt to find the right office for me to be my dental home. And that meant the fear of rejection which triggered memories of failing when I graduated with my BA. I became obsessed with having the perfect resume and cover letter, and I became paralyzed with anxiety and fear. This did nothing for my waist line except expand it.
Which brings me to my current state of working very hard to follow Weight Watchers. Not once have I stopped my monthly membership and I have not followed WW for one month in a long time. Yesterday I started my "mental reboot" of accomplishing goals one at a time. For example, I didn't eat any pastries that were brought into the break room; they looked absolutely nasty. I didn't buy anything out of the vending machines. I was content with what I had. After work, I went to the gym and worked out very hard. I did the same thing today and feel great....and sleepy.
Bottom line is I can do this and the only deadline I'm giving myself is the end of the each day. Aim to finish strong by following healthy behaviors such as tracking and working out, and acknowledging when I'm sliding off the path a bit instead of ignoring it. I have had the same conversations for YEARS - I need to lose weight, PERIOD. No amount of magic shakes or pills will help me but determination and commitment to following WW will yield the results I crave. Plus my incredibly supportive boyfriend who gives me encouragement and positive words helps a lot :)
Starting Stats
- Weight: 274.4
- Height: 5'6.5"
- Size: 18/20, currently forcing myself into a size 16 jeans.
- Mental State: determined
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