Naked

Hello friends! It's been a long, long, loooooong time since I've last updated this blog. Well over a year in fact. 2010 was a hell of a year, emphasis on the HELL part. After surviving a relationship that pretty much destroyed my self-confidence, I was able to look at the small yet big accomplishments I made that year in regards to my weight. For the first time in a long time, I maintained my weight loss I achieved through Weight Watchers! Granted I didn't lose anymore (except the post break up weight loss which doesn't count since that was anxiety and sadness induced) but I didn't gain either. I went through spurts of really active weeks at the gym where I'd do 5 days in a row followed by weeks of going once or twice for Zumba classes. My ex really messed with my head in terms of my body image - one minute he was fine with it, the next minute he was making me feel like the ugliest person he'd ever seen. It wasn't fair especially since my body didn't change in a negative way from when he met me. ANYWAY...

I have worked on a lot of the emotional hurt of that relationship but the wounds to my self-esteem and confidence are still on the mend. Granted my weight is my #1 insecurity - the first thing people put me down for the, the first thing I'm judged for, the way my intelligence is measured (smart people aren't fat, duh!). In the past two weeks, I have noticed that I'm consuming candy like I'm never going to eat it again. Buying a bag of Reese's mini peanut butter cups and demolishing them all in a sitting. I've also withdrawn from my family and friends, which isn't usually my deal. I think I may be slightly depressed but I'm not sure. I can't figure it out myself.

In order to gain control of my eating and to get out of my sugar-induced frenzy, I'm reading Jackie Warner's "This is Why You're Fat" which eliminates most processed sugar from the diet and incorporates a rotating fitness regime. I haven't gotten into the part of the book where it discusses the actual plan other than for 5 days I'm on plan, and for 2 days I get to "cheat" up to 750 calories. I want to give this plan a true shot because it's different from WW but emphasizes the same goal of balanced eating and optimal health achieved. At work I had a moment to write down why I wanted to lose weight, and this is what I wrote:

- Establish self-control
- No grounds/reason for physical rejection from men
- Able to shop/find clothes easier
- Be more confident
- Stronger
- Healthier
- More endurance
- Feel better naked
- Look better naked
- Look better clothed

Now the last three might make some people uncomfortable reading but come on ladies! We all get naked every day to shower (I hope) and pass up a mirror or two that shows us what we don't always "see". I avoid mirrors like the plague when I'm even changing, and when I do look, I cringe at what I see. Sometimes I can see what my ex didn't like about me, and at other times I'm thankful that my boobs are perky! haha I try to find one positive thing to say about myself while all the other negative thoughts circulate my mind. Sometimes I don't even recognize my own face or arms, like why do my cheeks look puffy and my arms have...cellulite?! What happened to my strong arms that could launch a softball down to second base or swing at a volleyball for a fierce serve?

With that, I'm excited to give Jackie's program a true shot. Like anything, it will require focus, preparation, and dedication. It's not going to be easy but I bet it will be easier than anything I went through with that jackass in 2010. Here's to my potential hotness!