What's Eating You?

I have been far too silent on this blog and pretended for some time that I made a promise to deal with my food issues by the time my 30th birthday arrived. Well that was 4 months ago, and here I am further from my goal than I have been in years. In fact, being back in school has awaken most of my insecurities that I had forgotten about, and I have turned to food for comfort.

However, I have slipped into a dark place I have only been in back when I worked at ERAC. That is nearly 4.5 years ago, and every single year I vowed to lose weigh to get back to where I was when I graduated from college. I remember how amazing I felt that day and it had nothing to do with my dipoloma but rather showing people that I could be pretty, attractive, smart, and funny. What made it even better was that a guy who dated me earlier in the semester (only to break it off in the most cowardly way), was sitting in the very front row and couldn't ignore the fact how good I looked. I remember the look on his face and for once I knew things didn't work out with a guy (and it never did, even when we tried to hang out again) because of my lack of appeal. Is this how all pretty girls feel? If something doesn't work out with a guy, they don't think about it because another guy is around the corner waiting to swoop her up? Often I wonder what my life would be like if I didn't have these food struggles; however, they are so engrained in my past and present, I don't know how to pass them up. Furthermore, I don't know how to maintain good behaviors once I reach a goal.

So what would cause me to recede to a dark place to cause such awful emotional eating to occur? It's really a summation of things that I can sort of compartmentalize:

1) Commuting: it sucks to be tired constantly and commuting does that to the point where by the end of class, I'm too exhausted to work out which is completely counterproductive to what I like to do!
2) Living with my parents: when my dad was going through treatment while staying at his mom's, it wasn't that bad. However, it's pretty annoying to be so exhausted and have to decide: floor or crappy couch? Plus throw in my mom's childish behaviors with my dad's emotional mood swings, I'm caught in the crossfire of an awful codependent relationship that drives me up the wall.
3) School: constant stress of the material plus the stress of the social games that are played among one another drives me insane! I have social anxiety among females and when I see a group of them gathered, fear strikes me in the gut that they hate me. This has done more harm than good and with lack of support from someone in the program, I feel that I'm falling and grasping for a helping hand to say, "I see you, I'm glad you're in this program."  Instead it's a bunch of shit talking from 21 to 44 year old high schoolers wanting everyone to know they are awesome and everyone else is crap.
4) Loneliness: it has been 2 years since my last relationship, I have dated 2 guys, and have messed around with one I never should have. Sure there are some guys at work that fancy my ass but all I can think about is how I hate seeing myself naked, so they don't get to see that either. One person became a good friend to me, and it was nice to build a friendship but there are long periods in which I don't hear from him since he has a gf. And it's not just loneliness, but a lack of privacy too. I can't have a night of silence if I choose; I have to use Netflix to drown out the annoying loud talking of my parents in the next bedroom or my dad rolling into the living room and banging around the kitchen getting a glass of iced tea. I can't just enjoy being alone. But back to loneliness - it is more than a status change on FB, it's state of mind that is fleeting at first but it builds up eventually. The holidays cause it to come out more and all the status changes to "engaged" and photos of children or baby announcements have a subtle way of reminding you that you're single, someone who has crossed your path does not fancy you. And I know this is for a fact: my weight is only a physical roadblock but even my personality doesn't appeal to people. That is really what I struggle with. How do I become a better person, someone that people want to be close with?

So what's the solution besides to not sit and wallow? Well I'm not asking for sympathy but I became alarmed last night when my own sister said to me that she was/is worried about me. My sister has never judged me about my weight but has known how I have used it as a crutch to explain not having a significant other; for her to tell me that she is scared really opened my eyes because all we have is each other. Yes she has a family but we are sisters and her opinion is really the most valuable one to me, which is why it hurts so much when I disappoint her or we get in arguments. She tells me the most brutal truth when I need it and I'm thankful for that.

I read a quote on Miss Suzi Storm's FB feed that said "Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change." I feel I have been honest with myself but need to learn how to discipline myself in a positive way instead of negative. Self talk such as "Don't be a fat ass!" shouldn't be normal dialogue in my head whenever I deviate from what I've packed in my lunch bag. Other things that go through my head aren't as bad, except at the gym when we run down the block and back. Often I think about the people driving up and down the street, looking at the overweight white girl with a big ol' booty at the end of the group and pitying me. I don't want your pity, I want support and thankfully I have one of the best instructors that builds my confidence at each class. With a change in location that is closer to school, I think a lot of my issues will decrease but I'm going to seek further help with a counselor. I had one appointment last semester and I really liked the counselor. I hope this Spring semester I can make some progress that will help with my future in all areas of my life.